Shame on me

I think back to last year and the year before. My ex, he told me I was wrong for not wanting to put a tree up. I know I have kids, but my mom had been dead for three months. Three months, like grief just disappears in that time. My mom was my best friend, my lifeline to sanity and the world. I had gotten rid of everything in her house and PCS'd to Colorado. My whole childhood and every good and ugly memory in that house, summed up in a few days. All to keep our family supposedly whole. Like a tornado hadn't ripped through my life and stolen the foundation on which I stood.

I took care of my mom and my 3 kids all by myself. My mom was on hospice and end of life care was a slavemaster demanding the last of my strength. It was so hard to ask my 13 year old to watch her while I went to the store or whatever other errand I had. It got to the point that I wasn't even comfortable not being awake while she slept. I cleaned her bedsores. I changed and sponged bathed her. I held her hand until her last breath. And after all of that I was supposed to have the heart to put up a plastic tree, in good spirits.

What kind of husband denies your grief and puts his needs of a holiday first. Yes, he was leaving for Kuwait, but I had been there through dangerous deployments. Too many, to his second home, Iraq. I've really needed him to the point I couldn't function on my own twice. When I was pregnant with the twins and when my mother was dying. Both times he let me down.

The first time he was having an affair with a woman which he had an illegitimate child. The second he was knee deep in his military career. I never professed to be the perfect wife, but I was there when he felt all else forsook him. I was there even when he ignored me and found comfort in the bottle and women. I fought to get him help, to save his career; hell, to save himself. All I got in return was a request for pillows and a blanket in the sand. Left alone to raise 3 kids alone in a new place. How dare I ask for him to miss this deployment to Kuwait.

I had asked to separate so many times. My resolve wavering. I can't tell you how many soldiers wished their wife took the time to understand their plight. They dreamed of a home that missed and longed for them. Mine, he decided burying himself in a married soldier would fill the void. Funny how that works. Soldiers complain about wives cheating, wives complain about soldiers cheating. Maybe the Army is full of ungrateful asses. Or maybe ungrateful asses fill the ranks of soldiers.

Then again according to others I should just be glad my husband provided. I shouldn't expect emotional or other support from him. How do I know these people again?

So my fun ex has a new chick, again. I'm happy for him. Truly I am, I just want him to know that I will never feel sorry for him once this broad takes him for what he has left. He didn't learn from the woman who admitted to taking a condom out the garbage. He didn't learn from the married woman who's husband was in his old unit. He will never learn. And I'm glad as hell I don't have to be attached to such a person anymore.

My ex isn't a bad person, he's a lost person. One that I can't help, nor is it my job. Even after all this heartbreak, I know this is not the person he wanted to be. It was the person he accepted and became. Someone who asked his grieving wife to put up a Christmas tree. When she didn't have the emotional wherewithal was told shame on you.

Well guess what the father of my children, my ex best friend from before we could drink legally... I salute you with a high flying bird. One that craps on your head and reminds you how life will be once you no longer have cover from the rain. Yes, even if it is raining bird shit.

Read Full Story...

The Christmas Blues

This year has been a rough one. Physically, I've been injured for a long time. Emotionally, well I have no idea how I'm still going. Doing readings is either feast or famine. Now that I'm off crutches and don't have physical therapy 3 days a week I've been job searching. It hasn't been easy. I have 3 kids to clothe and feed in the middle of this divorce. I definitely have the Christmas blues.

I know that coming out the other end I will be ok, but just getting it all back together is the struggle. I've allowed my kids dad to them on Christmas. This will be the first year I have not spent with them. I'm trying to keep my head high and not let the holidays zap what's left of my motivation.

Read Full Story...

Winds of Change

My mom used to tell me that I should never start anything new in the last 3 months before my birthday. I never really understood until this past year. Just like the seasons are cyclic, so are we. Those last three months are the burning down period, or the equivalent to winter. The first three months after your birthday are your spring. Time to plant your seeds. Time to ride the winds of change.

My birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I can feel it.  It's been building over the past few weeks, like an antsy Thoroughbred at the racing gate. I wake up with a huge smile on my face. Go through my day doing my tasking with love and joy. Oh those winds, swirling around my feet, whipping my hair, whispering to me... soon.

It doesn't matter what I'm doing through my day I can feel the shift occurring around me. Living in gratitude, I have all I need. This year is supposed be pivotal for my future. The foundation for future success. I truly believe it, because I have a great love for my solitude, respect for the lessons and challenges I've been facing. The same things that would set the stress meter on high barely make a blip on the radar.

That balance that seemed to allude me is starting to creep it's way into complete understanding. The things I'm shown are not always for reveling to others, but to give me a greater understanding of what is going on. It's showing me not to take it personal. Telling me now, you have given, now it's time to stop acting and be an observer.

Looking back over the past couple years, the same sensation was in the air, but they were caused more fear based emotions. This year because I have changed the way I view my challenges and the purpose for them, that wind is welcomed. I don't have great expectation in the traditional sense, my expectations are more about embracing the ride before me.

Read Full Story...

It's All In Your Head

The mind is a powerful tool that can be used for good or evil. This is true when it comes to your self talk as well. I love doing readings, shedding light in the dark recesses my clients hide from. The only draw back, for some it creates anxiety instead allowing healing. That hamster gets running and a new crop of issues appear out of nowhere. They are perceived failures and what if's that haven't even occurred. The point of being given the information is not to worry, but to use it as a tool to make better decisions.

This morning I woke up super early, like a quarter to 4 early. When I say wide awake I mean like I literally just popped up. My body felt like dancing, who needs coffee when life is flowing along. Not even 10 minutes into my feel good,  a surge came in and I felt like yelling, "NO!! The information given to you was not for that purpose, stop that crap!!" I was like I feed someone's hamster information amphetamines. Totally running out of control at warp speed. The epitome of the Nine of Swords, the looping mind.

I had someone tell me one time, "well all the things I was worried about happened, so I had a right to be worried." It was hard to stifle the scoff that was about to come out. This is where the Law of Intention and the Law of Attraction come in. Yes, I'm sure they did happen, because this individuals thoughts manifested those worries into their life.

Worries are like Gizmo in the movie Gremlins. He's small, soft and gentle, but feed him after midnight, those thoughts are replicating at a dangerous rate with a vicious twist. Do yourselves a favor when the mind starts to loop, mindfully turn your thoughts to a positive place. Pull the hamster off the wheel and go to sleep. I used to be a late night worrier, but I realized I missed sleep and nothing was solved. Meditating and allowing them to flow instead of you moving them around is so much healthier. It allows for release and intuition to become your guide.

Read Full Story...

The Path In Front Of You

One of the hardest things for me as a tarot reader is just giving the information and letting go of the end result. Some readers learn how to read the cards by memorizing. I use the cards because it's what's expected. Most of the information I get is not directly from the cards by what I'm told or shown. When what I hear or see is unclear, the cards can help decipher the messages.

I've always said that I would never tell anyone about death, the only one who knows when our time is up, is the one who created all. This was a specific boundary for me. I don't believe in telling the future. I believe in telling you all the energies that are present in your life, some you can change and others you can not. Either way, the client has free will to choose how they want to deal with the situations.

Well my boundaries have been flexed overtime since my ex is out my life. Last weekend I was called to do a reading that seemed like normal. But when I got to the reading I had a message for someone else at the location. It was the first time I had seen, without a shadow of a doubt, death if a change was not made. The person who it was for had a deep addiction that was physically manifesting and causing the individual to switch to an even worse addiction. To compile the problem this person was a sensitive.

Lot's of people with the gift to feel others, see what most would call crazy, have addiction problems. It's a way to try and cope with the wave of constant incoming energy and information. It over loads your emotions and senses. So they drink or use drugs as a way to escape the excess stimulation. The flip side of such coping is you draw negative energy toward you because your vibration is so low. This is where the term "low life" came from. I'm not one to get all new-age-y and talk about vibrations, but the truth is everything is matter, vibrating at a certain rate. Matter is never created or destroyed, it's just transformed from one state to another.

I didn't tell this individual that they would die, although that was the message, but I did stress the importance of making changes now. It was the warning that the threshold has not been crossed, and now was the time to act. I spoke in terms of chemical responses to the brain and healing that had to take place for the brain chemistry to go back to normal. I spoke of how it wasn't just a physical response. The relief they were looking for came from a spiritual place. I gave them tools, explaining psychic protection; I told them I would help cleanse the energies continuing to attach themselves and even hold their hand through detox. You don't charge people in that dire of straights. How can you call yourself a healer? Others may disagree, but in a situation like that, I was called by one and obviously meant for another.

So it's a week later, I haven't heard from this person and I haven't received any interference. Meaning, I get poked with messages and dreams if I ignore what I'm being told. This was squarely on the individual. It's hard to just detach myself from such a sad situation, they're a single parent. But I brought my message, I offered what I could and now I just have to be ok with it.

Now ,enter another situation. This has been the most frustrating, emotionally charged, complicated, relationship I have ever dealt with. It started in a odd way. I thought it ended in an odd way. Yet, it's still not done. It's like a period of rest. For me it's a pain in the ass. I find my self having to give messages and be patient with things I would never normally deal with. But it taught me and brought me to what I do now. This person also has choices to make, and for some reason I'm constantly having to tell and nudge. The destiny for this person is greater than my ego and hurt feelings. I remind myself  of this over and over. You want to talk about humbling.

Let me tell you, every time I have a dream, I want scream, "WHY ME?" The whole dynamic makes me crazy. But I was brought to this place and point, like everything else I do, I have to trust this is for a reason. They don't understand it and neither do I, but it is what it is. I want to detach myself from the outcome in this situation as well. But the one thing about this situation, I keep acquiring tools as time goes on. It's less personal. It just doesn't make me feel any less crazy.

It's like I get slices of things to show as a proof of life, so I can yell "Now get your ass back on the path!" But the flip side is I've learned how to love this person in a way that is truly unique. It's pure, I don't need their love in return, I don't need to know what's going on in their life. I just radiate love. It feels good to wake up and send love in that direction. So maybe that is part of my path. To learn to love with out possessing or wanting. I love them for the shear joy I get from sending love to them. It's allowed me to do that with all the relationships in my life. I wake up with joy and I go to sleep with the same joy.

Update: I had something's happen tonight and I realized, just because I'm open doesn't mean that I have to listen. I don't want to deal with this anymore, not like this. I should have more of a say over my space. They are my dream's, thought's, my everything. There shouldn't be a penalty for not going along like a good girl. I'm tired of feeling like I'm left to other's whim's. As much as I have learned, screw this, I don't want to be a slave or just an end to fit the means. If they don't get what they are supposed to do, I can't and won't own that. Too bad for their self-centered butt. I have other crap to do. You have something to share and offer the world, you don't want to do it, that's on you. I refuse to own that.

Read Full Story...

Being Happy

For me, stress is a thing of the past. My load has gotten a lot lighter. I wish I would have just trusted everything would be ok and stop trying to make it alright. It wasn't alright, matter of fact I'm pretty sure I made it worse. Bottom line I owned someone else's issues and didn't do what was best for myself.

Since learning that very life changing and painful lesson. I don't need anymore encouragement in the letting it go area. I've let everything go. I came to a place of peace and it is so liberating. All that energy in worrying about this, that and other. Nah, totally over it.

Now, before you think I'm having some post-marital psychotic break, just hear me out. When I was first married I was foot loose and fancy free, as I have been all my life. The one trait that anyone predating my marriage would tell you, I was fearless and full of optimism. My friends used to think I was crazy, because I would run or roller blade 10 miles to work. If the world kicked me, I would shake it off and say the world kicked like a sissy.

I stayed that way until my pregnancy with the twins. Then suddenly life seemed so much heavier. More responsibility meant less of me to go around. As time wore by, my shine dimmed. That place that made me happy seemed to shift. It wasn't all the responsibility that degraded my happiness, it was my need to shoulder it on my own. I stopped doing what made me resilient all my youth; I handed it over to something higher than myself. I had a better perspective of what I could and couldn't control as a child than as an adult.

So I wake up in the morning, I chose to think about the things that I have to take care of, but not worry about them. I drive with my sunroof open, windows down, hair whipping in the wind as I sing  to any given tune that makes me smile. When I stop at a red light, I flash a great big smile at the driver next to me, spreading the joy. You know what happens, they smile back. People have always talked to me unsolicited, but now it's doubled. I'm positive it's because the smile I wear constantly.

Happiness is not something you wait for, or are given. It is some thing you have to decide. I'm a contractor so I don't get paid every two weeks. I get paid after submitting an invoice and waiting 30 days. Well the company I contract for screwed up the payment process so my pay would be almost 3 weeks behind. I didn't stress and start going into a panic attack I just kept saying I trust it will be alright. This will get handled. I went about my business, stayed positive and happy. Guess what showed up in the mail 3 days later than the normal time, not 3 weeks. Yup, my check.

Everything else in my life might run short at some point. But 3 things never do Love, Optimism, and Faith. These things fuel my soul. Happiness is a choice. Everyday I choose nothing less than happiness.

Read Full Story...

Natural Way is Expansion

So I didn't think I have much left in me tonight. But I'm excited, full of happiness and joy for others. I have so many people I care about expanding and achieving so it makes me so joyous!! Our souls natural state is to constantly grow. God, the creator, who ever you think is in charge didn't make you to be stagnate. They wanted us to expand, not waist wise, but soulfully.

Everyday we are challenged, by our circumstances, by our situations or other things we never imagined. The point is all the same, just open your heart and believe that if he created your beautiful self he will take care of you. That doubting mind is oh so human, but trust, what will you lose.

The world is so full of uncertainties. What you will go through if x and y aren't met. But if you give it all away. Believe you are loved in a way that you aren't used to, one that is unfamiliar you will be ok. This doesn't mean be foolish and spend reckless amounts of money. It means when things get hard and blind, give blindly and trust in the thing that was great enough to form every working cell in your body. Know your life has purpose.

God is amazing if you really give him time, get to know him. He has a unique design for you. A beautifully complicated plot that you can play lead. All you have to is B-E-L-I-E-V-E in his all knowing ways.

Read Full Story...

Chumming the Dating Waters

I've written a bit about my divorce and the choice I've made to spend time in redeveloping myself. Beyond saying I want to romance myself, I never really got into the reasons why. The obvious reasons are my children. I don't want them to think that relationships are a revolving door; one leaves another person enters. The other factor is I don't want anyone around my kids that don't have their best interest at heart. They are sacred to me, like all sacred things only a few get to experience their presence.

The reason outside my kids is me, why I got married and will engage in another soulful relationship. First, I'm not the bitter "all men are dogs and liars" kind of woman. Everyone is judged on their own merit. I know I will find and love again. But then again, maybe that is the Libra in me, in love with the thought and sensation of love. Everyone marries for different reasons. Some for companionship, others financial and security reasons, me it's all about the L-O-V-E. There is nothing like someone who knows your thoughts without you speaking them.  That soulful connection that let's you know it's you and them against the world. Bring it, because we are unshakeable.

So when I think about dating, I think about meeting new people and trying new things. But the problem with most after divorce, we are chumming the waters with our dignity and self esteem. Most people don't get out of a marriage without the typical dents and dings of "what was wrong with me." Dates that consist of validating we still have it, equate to disaster. Why? Because we want proof that we are still worthy of loving, still young enough to turn heads, whatever the "thing" is we need to still feel relevant and have something to offer. Placing our worth in someone else's hands is always a set up for failure. Everyone doesn't do it, but it does happen for many. Most don't even realize that's what's silently going on.

When I think of marriage, I see two souls becoming one. In order to do so you have to take part of your own soul and give it to another. So what happens to those soul pieces once they are discarded by divorce? Time is needed to collect each piece you gave away. That means healing and making what was given whole again. Finding the loves and the part of yourself you gave away to make room for another's. I don't think people contemplate much of what is traded in such an intimate relationship. We all have soul pieces that we lose when we are deeply wounded or deeply connected to another, even when that connection fades. Those parts of ourselves, we have to rediscover and recollect to be whole, after any great loss. Maybe you might find someone who helps you do that, but that is a rarity.

I can go out and date with a plan. It's all fun and games until someone ends up taking me by surprise. I was just looking for a good time. Why do I feel like this? I don't know when that next "one" is going to be placed in my life. But with out my own soul pieces back, how can I really give my heart. Once you are involved with someone else how do you have time to rediscover yourself? You're discovering something else new. It might be something you will enjoy, but is it genuinely you?  You will never know without that much needed break to stare yourself in the mirror. Allowing for cathartic moments that pave way for something new.

I might be unique in the sense that I enjoy my alone time. I enjoy thoughts untainted by others opinions and prejudices. My mind is a machine that never goes out of service, just a little sideways. But I also enjoy the challenge of others. I do long for the touch of another's skin against mine. But I'm a treasure, like true treasures, it isn't encountered by many. So if I just go all willy-nilly in my needs for sexual healing and ego validation, how is it I'm treasuring myself? If I want to be treated like the uniquely intelligent, nurturing, sexy woman I am. I sure can't, not use my mind to reason through the maze of single, uncertain new beginnings. I better pamper myself and nurture my own heart before another's. Truly, there is nothing sexy about a woman who has no sense of self love or worth.

I'm a genuinely sexual woman. I like all kinds of kinky and naughty things. But I also know that it's not meant for all men. I'm not chumming the water with my sexual prowess in hopes a shark will stay. I don't need someone to let me know I'm still young, beautiful, and worth getting to know. If a man can't figure that out on his own, he doesn't deserve the prize inside. If I'm the treasure I think I am, I'm damn well going to make you work to find the key. Only a special person deserves to unlock my box.

If you are newly getting out a long term relationship, please be kind to yourself and be honest. There is nothing wrong with you if you decide to opt out. You never need another person to validate your worth. You are uniquely you and worth loving the way you want and deserve.

Read Full Story...

Master Numbers and Astrology

I've spent some really boring moments on my butt lately. Having a torn ACL and meniscus means I don't get around much. Someone thought it was a bad idea to give me crutches because of my dislocated elbow and fractured humerus. Yeah, when I get hurt, I get really hurt. I was really mad at first, anything that restricts my freedom enrages me. Part of my rebellious nature, no one is going to tell me what I can and can't do. This is why I think this happened in the first place. Kinda like the universe put me on a time out. It's the only way I would have been forced to stop and make a plan. If you know me, then you know I do best flying by the seat of my pants. Not saying that planning is bad, I just know life never goes as planned.

Since my forced time out, I've reflected on the things I want, how to get them and who I am, minus the 220lbs that I just left my life. I came across a book my mom had on numerology. I've never really played with numerology. I have much respect for it. I believe in the trinity and divine number 7.  Everything has a vibration to it, even numbers. While playing around with the concepts, I've learned that my twins and I both have Master Number 22 and my oldest Master Number 11 as a life path.

When I learned about what Master Number 22 was all about, I had an "ah ha" moment. The very concept of 22 is bringing dreams into reality. Taking from above and creating here on earth. Anyone who knows me knows if I want something, I find a way to get it, no matter what it is. It's kind of a trademark of mine. It annoys some because I don't have to work hard for it, and it's seen as wasted talent. For me, it does make me a bit lazy. I just always saw it as luck.

The more I read about this Master Number I learned it comes with great potential but also causes a bit of stress. Expectations of yourself become a point of contention in the sense of failure. You're set up for success but something inside of you is scared to death. The fear you will fail. Yes, that fun bit of perfectionism can really do a number on your self esteem in terms of failing. The more I read I realized this is the same thing as my Saturn trine Neptune. Saturn in 7th and Neptune in 10th, both angular houses.

Saturn trine Neptune is the aspect that makes dreams come true, all you need is to have faith and hard work. Well Hot Damn! Two different systems with the same aspects. I remember being looked at crazy when I would tell people I believed anything was possible, just imagine it. These aspects also come with a flip side. If you see things in the negative that is what you will receive. A gift and a curse. The vibration of the mind no matter what state it is in, will manifest a tangible outcome.

I'm going to have knee surgery soon. That means several more months down. Oh well, gives me plenty of time to think about all the things I would like to create. Being in this bad relationship had sucked the creativity out of me. The funny thing I read about Master Number 22, on the lower end I would "... slip into the depths obscurity, achieving little more than personal support." That is exactly what my marriage did, made me the personal advisor to an ungrateful individual. If I have to spend months on my arse in order to realize the higher end of my potential again, so be it.

Read Full Story...

Soul Recognition

I've entered and am exiting a rather confusing time. The next phase of my life is beginning and I thought that someone else was supposed to come along. God gave us free will so that we can grow.  Although I know and recognize the past and the future we are supposed to create, it's oaky that the other party doesn't. That is joy of free will. Each, in our own time, in our own way.

I understand the point of the circumstance, soul recognition goes beyond our eyes and normal social standings. The point is to challenge us to something new, so that our souls grow. Growth has no boundaries, no norms, no comforts, just truths.  If you don't learn this life, you have plenty of other chances. The hardest part of living an earthly life for some is letting go of material, earthly ways of validation. You can't take your riches and sense of security with you when you leave your present life. It all get's left behind, including the things you did to achieve such wealth. Where you kind? Where you generous? Where you hoarding what you have to prove your worth?

All those things come into play. When you believe you will have enough, truly believe in your heart of hearts, you will. When you hang your souls worth on it all, you become a slave to earthly recognition. You can create a legacy for your children by working through their hearts, and teaching them, kindness, unconditional love, and the Universal Laws . It's ok to attain wealth and substance, as  long as your recognize it for what it is. Once you hang your soul's validity on such things it violates the purpose of this life. We never live just to obtain stuff, we live to obtain knowledge. Food for the ever wanting and expanding soul.

You are always perfect and deserve the best, but don't get caught up so much that you can only relate through earthly things. Be in the world, not of the world. You will meet souls along the way and you have a choice to nurture those relationships or nurture you false sense of self. If you are living a good and giving life, those earthly things will come. They will come, because you are grateful for everything in your life, even the difficult things teaching you something new. Keep your mind straight and your heart loving.

Read Full Story...

Won't Be Blogging For A Bit

I dislocated my elbow, so I won't be typing much for a while. Ta Ta for now.

Read Full Story...

Time To Clean House

When I get cranky and emotional as I am today and my dogs are refusing to come in my work area, it's clear sign I need to clean my house. I typically sage my house once a week. This week I have been dealing with quite a few people who have had some negative energy. So I'm whipping out the heavy hitter, "Three Kings" resin. This is a mix of Frankincense, Myrrh, and Sandalwood.

My neighbors all think I'm smoking pot when I burn sage and I'm into witchcraft when I burn resin. It's funny how everything has to have a label. Frankincense is used in the Catholic Church during mass. How is the witchy? I think everyone should cleanse their house, especially in times of high stress. You would be amazed at the things you bring home with you.

Read Full Story...

Last Night

In the words of my very good friend, I got "white girl" wasted. My friend is white. If you have never heard of this term, Amy Schumer does a great skit of it's definition on Comedy Central. It's basically when you get super emotional about everything while drinking.

Thank god my phone died. I almost gave up the last of my dignity, my thumbs vomited loving accolades to a man who doesn't even gave a shit about me. Then I wised up an almost slept with my ex, as if that was a good revenge move. Thank god I realized I would never get rid of his ass if I did that. Like that would make anything better, so glad I dodged that bullet.

I'm rather ashamed of myself. Not for the rambling or the crying. God knows I've been holding the crying in. Not for the crazy ass texts that I sent. My diet has been spot on lately minus last Saturday, Wednesday and last night. I was doing a fine job moving forward with my physical goals. I just don't like using alcohol as buffer. It's a slippery slope that is unnecessary.

If it wasn't for the fact I've been grieving the loss of so many people I love, I wouldn't be so hard on myself. Grieving is the wrong time to indulge in booze. Actually, I woke up this morning and laughed at the immaturity of my actions. When it's a duck you call it a duck. I've been extremely hurt and feeling like I have a hole in my heart. I know that there is a plan for me, but why does it have to be so painful?

I always wonder, is there anyone that feels my pain like I feel their's?

Read Full Story...

Florida Move... Really?

Most people who know me, know I keep my circle tight. I'm not the kind of person that has 500 people on my Facebook page. Hell, I was surprised when I hit triple digits. I love to socialize and I know a decent amount of people, but not that many really know me. So having my best friend move to Florida is really messing me up. That will 4 of my close friends who bailed off to Florida. Don't they know how shitty the schools are compared to here.

Crappy schools or not I'm devastated. My support system here is small and I might be losing another close one soon to that stupid state. Praying for it not to happen. Actually I'm not, I would never pray for something that would prevent someone else's happiness. I'm just having and adult tantrum right now. Yeah, I have them from time to time. At least I'm honest.

Figured I'd get it out before the crew gets here. We are going party like when were 25! Yup, been my Sista for 12 years! If I write when I've been drinking some really random things fly out my head. I might even go into some irrelevant rant about another pooh butt who has made me really sad. She better treat him well. No matter how much it hurts, I hope that all those I love are happy.  Even the ones who break my heart.

Read Full Story...

Prayers for Rupal and Family

This morning I received an email from a friend in India who's father just passed. I know this is the beginning of a new journey for her father. But its also a sad and inevitable ending for her and the family. My blog isn't super popular -- yet. If you see this, please say a little prayer of strength and comfort for a stranger. Most would be surprised at how many strangers pray for them without knowledge.

Rupal - I love you, sending strength and comfort.

Read Full Story...

Lucid Dreaming

I had a client ask me about dream walking, a technique that allows you to intend your way into another individuals dream's. Dream walking is an advanced technique based on Lucid Dreaming. Lucid dreaming is when you are sleeping, but you're conscious. I've never really had to practice a particular technique to achieve this state, it just happens if I intent it. Back at the beginning of my marriage I would dream walk when my ex was overseas. It didn't happen often, because he ended up in long periods of sleep deprivation.

The biggest issue with most people is dream recall. That has never been an issue for me, my dream recall is phenomenal. The key is not to jump up the second you wake up. I replay my dream, but the best thing is to write or voice record it. Last night, I had a lucid dream that reminded me of the effect the conscious and subconscious can have when working in sync. For those who don't understand that statement, let me say it differently. When lucid dreaming your pain and pleasure sensors are intact. For example, I was grabbed by my forearm and lifted into the air. On the releasing of the grip, while I was shouting "NOW!!!" I woke up.  When I woke up, I was shouting 'now' in real life and could feel the pain searing through my forearm.

What happened? I was asleep but my conscious was not. As I navigated this particular dream, my physical sensory never turned off. My subconscious whips up the landscape an theme, this time it was expelling demons, my conscious made my body feel the physicality's of the dream. The best thing about lucid dreaming is being able to control the dream. There was no fear when this beast picked me up, it enabled me to look it in the face and demand it be gone. Kinda my theme now days. Cutting the through the crap.

I also blame this dream on too much garlic. I've been refining my foods, so there is less processed sugars and starches and lots of the healthy fats. I made an awesome veggie stir-fry, but I went crazy with the garlic. The demons in my dream were all the things of the past I've been clearing, taking back control over my life. So as painful as the grip felt, the liberation from actively taking part, not being a passive observer, felt even better.

Most people think you can't control your dreams, but you can, set an intention. Everything in this world is based on your mind. Intention is the key. Try it and let me know how it works for you.

Read Full Story...

Transiting Sun Conjunct Natal Saturn = Get Real

A good friend of mine suggested that I blog more often if I wanted increased traffic. So here I am doing just that. It just so happens that the Sun is transiting my Saturn. Saturn is the disciplinarian of the planets. Saturn makes you stick to your guns; it also punishes you when you don't.  The energy that is released is triggered and amplified by transits. How it manifests it's no nonsense energy is dictated by the planet transiting. This particular transit started last week through my 7th house.

The 7th house is the House of Partnerships. This means any of your relationships, whether they are business or personal will be affected. This is why I suddenly got the bright idea to clear my junk with my ex out my Akashic record last week. It is also why I'm also getting stern with another relationship in my life. Saturn makes you open your eyes, so when it is energized by the Sun (Ego) you cut through the crap really quick. It feels like someone throwing a bucket of ice water on you. You can't but help to snap into reality.

My re-evaluation is based on a set of facts that I disregarded in my starry eyed period. I won't lie, I was thinking with my heart and vagina. This particular person has completely abandoned our friendship because he has something new entertaining his penis. I've always taken issue with individuals that give up or abandon friendships over new romances. Especially, when I've discussed past relationships or potential relationships with them. Most chicks won't talk to a guy about their potential conquest.

I had a friend do this person's chart. One of the theme's acknowledging the one's who will pack your parachute over, those who just want to flatter. Yeah. It's time to hit the bricks. I've said it before and somehow, got all weak in the knees. Well not this time. Thank you transit for giving me my spine back. If any of my other friends ignored me the way he has, I'd tell them to go suck it, wouldn't talk to them until they apologized.

Yes, transits are good for many things. They give you and extra umph when need it, they also clear the fog. Well that is unless it's Neptune transiting, then you get illusions. Part of me does feel bad, since Neptune is Opposing Venus. This is called the parasite season. Romance is full of illusions, and once the transit is complete you realized you've been shacking up with users. I don't think any less of him because of his choices, live and learn, I'm just done sticking around and putting with it.

"Those who really love you will lose faith and give up."

Read Full Story...

A Fixer Upper Of The Soul

If you have never watched the show "Fixer Upper" on HGTV, you should watch at least one time. What Chip and Joanna Gaines do with what most would consider a horrendous house, nothing short of unique talent. They can see past the original condition and layout of house. They knock down walls that no longer serve a purpose, work with design defects, recreating each area; making the house into a brand new home. The thing that is required is to have faith in the vision of what the house can become.

After all the crap that has happened over the years, I completely stopped dreaming about buying a house. I stopped thinking about anyones future besides my kids. But in order to give them the future they deserve, I have to come up with a new dream. Yeah, it isn't what I originally wanted, but it can be so much better. Watching this show reminded me of how we have to change our own original designs and early conditioning; not be afraid to knock down walls in order to allow for something new to transform. Our parents did the best they could. I hope my own kids question and want to make changes to the early conditioning I provide.

One thing people don't know much about is the Akashic Records. It's a place accessible to all. We each are allowed to view and work on our own souls lessons. This is the place we create our soul contract, the theme's in our lives, and work from the karma of our past lives. You can go into the records to knock down a wall or block a to success in our life. All you have to do is spend time working on it, asking or praying to access and clean the record. It does take patience. But like anything being recreated and of value, it takes time.

Some think once you go and work with the record things are magically all better. What will happen is you feel less anxious and more motivated towards the changes. Situations take time to dissolve. Anyone I do readings with get my disclaimer; something's happen immediately, but they are usually the catalyst to  create the positive changes needed. Most of the time is isn't a comfortable process, but the more faith and trust you put into it, the better it feels. It's all about perspective.

Recently, I went into my records to work out the soul contract with my ex. Eliminating the junk from our past life has removed my creative blocks. I've been writing more, feeling less bogged down emotionally, and ready to move forward. My ex has been dragging his feet on moving, which really affects my emotions and work. My job requires an abnormal use of my senses. When I'm in a bad space, it's hard to be accurate. Now my ex is suddenly in the field for 2 weeks and gone all of September. I can breathe deep, work more hours, and get my groove back. My kids love their dad, but even my oldest wants him to stay out our space. He carries a cloud of negativity around like Pigpen.

You would be surprised how much past life relationships can affect your current life. Even if it isn't unbearable, having your contracts renewed, cancelled, forgiven, you name it will make things smoother. One of the sites I work on clients ask me to work on their record, which I don't mind, but I would much rather teach others so they have a tool for life. It's their soul and they will exist infinitely, so why not learn?

Read Full Story...

Asteroid Dejanira "The Place We Are Victimized"

My mother's birthday quickly is approaching and it's stirred some serious memories. One being my next door neighbor telling me what an amazing person I was for helping take care of my father before he passed. It was the first time anyone acknowledged to my face the abuse that occurred in my house. As a kid I always wondered if you could hear the yelling and crying that went on. The picture above is how I spend from age 6 until 14, when I finally went back into foster care.

My mom was always at work, so she never really saw what went on. I hated her for years in my late teens and early 20's. How could she not know? I really don't remember when I decided to forgive her, I just know I did. Even with the background I had with my father I still helped my mom take care of him, so he could take his last miserable breathe at home. It was a hard thing to do. Truth be told, I didn't do it for him, I did it for her. The last thing he did before losing consciousness was spit liquid morphine in my face. Yup, a an asshole to the end.

I used to think his head stone should have said "Here Lies Another Angry Black Man." Funny, I turned around and married my dad, only half an angry Black man, maybe it's his German side that's angry. It's very possible, have you had German food? Come on, liverwurst, bloodcake... Southern Black food is gross too, pigs feet, yuck!

This started my thinking about the parts of our charts that show the possibilities of victimhood. What I found was startling. For those who are not familiar with Greek Mythology, Dejanira was the wife of Hercules. She was kidnapped by Nessus, who tried to force himself on her. Of course Hercules killed Nessus with a poisons dart, it's Hercules. Since Dejanira was the victim, you can guess where Nessus falls we tend to victimize. Ying and Yang.

As I searched through all the charts I have, I noticed where Asteroid Dejanira fell, especially aspected to prominent points, was a place victimization happened or is continuing to happen. No one can ever say they haven't been taken advantage or victimized in way or another. For me "Victimization" is a theme in my chart. My True Node is conjunct Dejanira in the 9th house. The 9th house is the house of Understanding. I have always felt like people don't understand me. Growing up my father never tried. This theme doesn't give me a life sentence of victimization, it means until I learn my spiritual lesson I will fall victim. Just as my Nessus falls in my 5th house of Children. I could have grown up and been my father, but I was very conscientious to not do that very thing.

A gentleman I know has his Dejanira on the cusp of the 2nd house of Possessions, 2 degree orb. His ex wife drags his ass to court just to siphon money out his pockets. To make it worse his Dejanria is square Mars. This means it's a challenge for him to take action against such acts. The other part of this aspect is the house placement, possessions also include our feelings, self-worth, and values. Most people think about possessions in tangible terms, but there are plenty of things that we own that aren't tangible. We could extend this to how we define ourselves. Social standing is influenced by our ability to earn, especially for a man. Personal and romantic relationships are effected by this as well. So in a sense she is siphoning his sense of self. Hopefully one day he challenges his Mars and finds away out.

Another friend of mine has her Dejanria conjunct her True Node in the 4th house, the house of Roots and Home. This is very true for her, she has been a victim of many things, but also her family. This house represents more as well, it represents self. So at times she can be a victim of herself. Until she integrates the lessons needed, she will continue to be a victim of her chosen circumstances. The Ruler of the 4th house is the Moon, the mother. She has had lots of issues with her mother taking advantage of her. The 4th house also deals with the subconscious, the Imum Coeli, bottom of the sky. Another concept of self.

The examples could go on, but needless to say we each have a place that we have fell prey to others. Integration of lessons and changing how we normally operate is key. Only when we leave our comfort zone do we grow.

Read Full Story...

Starting A New Romance

A good friend of mine introduced me to a devil of an app called Tinder. Tinder matches you up with your preferences within a 100 mile radius. You swipe to left if you don't find them appealing and to the right if you do. If you both like each other then a chat option opens up. I call it the devil because it is laden with married individuals on the prowl. Too much for me. I don't do superficial relationships well. I'm done trying to meet new guys to date for awhile. I'm going to romance myself.

I have several wonderful men in my life that treat me like gold. I never considered dating them before because I didn't want to mess up our friendship. But last night my eyes were opened up. I really needed a, "It will be ok." One came out of the most surprising place. Men always think you want them to solve your problems.  If they can't then some how it's a personal failure. All I ever want is one to give a small amount of comfort. Encouraging words. Those are the relationships I should be more focused on nurturing.

It's funny because I did a composite chart of me and my ex. It shows all the train wreck dynamics. Had I known, my kids would have never been here. Probably why I didn't bother to look at all of that before I got married. Then there was a chart between me and another individual. As a friend stated it was a genius and loving chart, a rare gem. Like geniuses, if you don't utilize the potential what is the point in being one? I'm over it. It takes two and when you have someone stuck in their own thought patterns, nothing you can do but drive on. I was told you only get one relationship with that kind of potential in a lifetime. I'd rather have an average chart with someone then, a genius one with a Gemini Moon man who is afraid to step outside his comfort zone.

If you don't know anything about airy Gemini Moon's they are fickle, hence the twins. They are never sure what they really feel or trust what they feel, so reassurance is often needed. They require constant stimulation and don't function from an emotional stand point, all logic. Emotional things make them nervous. They can't relate and see emotionalism's which I'm prone, as over the top. They engage for the experience. Wit, reasoning and avoidance are all ways they deflect uncomfortable emotional situations. Oh boy, does the one I know avoid. Makes me furious and feels so disrespectful. The mental gymnastics are quite fun. My intensity may be off putting, but his aloof detachment is off putting to me.

Water under the bridge now. I whipped out my Scorpio Moon box. It's the place Scorpio's are so well known for, no longer showing we care. I might still f*** him if the opportunity presented it's self. (I know it's wrong, but oh so right in many other ways.) But that worshiping indulgence for which I'm so well known, gone baby gone. I've done cord cutting, which has helped some. Next up, the Akashic Records to clean up the contract. I did that with my ex a week ago and life has been much easier. Don't know why I didn't think of it sooner. Dealing with past life relationships is taxing. That folks, is a topic for another time.

Read Full Story...

Screw This Supposed Gift

I've helped some people with my gift, but I've suffered more than anything. I hate seeing the dirty blonde bitch with the saggy tits, as you touch her. I hate seeing your confusion. I hate feeling your heartbreak.

This supposed gift makes me sadder than it does anything else. I want out. I don't want to feel connected or the emotions of others anymore. It's too painful.

Read Full Story...

Passive Aggressive Cancer Man

I've never bothered to really look through my ex-husbands chart more than just a simple glance. Then it hit me reading about Cancer's. The passive aggressive crap-ola he projects onto me are a direct result of his Cancer Ascendant. If you don't know much about Cancer especially men, let me give you two words "moon ruled" or "momma's boy". This means that if your Ascendant, Sun or Moon is in Cancer you are emotional, whether you admit it or not.

I'm in the middle of a legal separation, which we are currently living under the same roof. If that isn't tricky enough, dealing with someone who is constantly asking "Don't you love me anymore?" "I knew it you never loved me." "Why won't you love me again." Hitting emotional switches quicker than you can say shenanigans. But the truth is, he had a horrible, guilt ridden relationship with his mother. Had it been more secure, that would have been projected onto me instead of his constant insecurities. Cancer's project, like the moon reflects it's source of illumination. His illumination is based on thoughts and ideologies conditioned in his youth.

One of the most common rebuttals in my house was, "We see how that worked out." Although he acknowledges the dysfunction and wrong doing he still tries to place those elements on to our children. One breathe, "Well I wasn't allowed to do that, or my mom did that to me." The next breathe "It was so messed up of my mom to do..." So why would you project that on to your children knowing the ill effects. I guess that is where introspection comes into play.

The other difficulty with his Cancer Ascendant, the Sun is square his moon. This means the ruler of how he is seen in the world, his Moon, is in direct conflict with his ego, the Sun. The emotional warfare that is constantly being played out inside of him, makes this position literally one of the hardest aspects in a natal chart. The whole house ends up in his emotional warfare. That proud Leo Moon constantly boiling, losing the grounding of his stable Taurus Sun. His way or the highway.

We see how that worked out for him...

Read Full Story...

Under Construction

Sorry if my blog looks crazy for a bit. I'm trying to update it.

Thank you!

Read Full Story...

The Impending Betrayal

I've created new and deeper boundaries for myself recently. Part of those boundaries was cutting individuals out of my life and making peace with situations at hand. My Ex-husband and I are separated, yet we cohabitate depending on the day of the week and his situation. I know it's odd. That situation is dissolving very, very soon. I was guided to stay still so I have and now as the world unfolds, so does my situation.

I used to feel like I had to explain myself, why. Honestly, it's no one's damn business and if you want to judge me, that's none of my business. I can't do anything about another's thoughts. Besides the point of why I'm writing this. There was someone so close to my heart, but I realized I cared more than this individual did. Once I ended up in a situation in such great turmoil and I couldn't even get a "How are you doing?" Let's just say it was a real eye opener. I'm not angry about it, but I've definitely cut them out my life for the time being. 

This leads me to my current spread. Today for the first time in a while I was compelled to look at their situation. What I saw coming absolutely breaks my heart. In the past I would have written and gave some warning, but it's not my place. Every fiber of my being wants to scream "WATCH OUT!! Danger ahead." They created the terms of our one way relationship. Now all I can do is pray and hope for the best. 

This is the reading. 

The current situation is based on the Judgement in reverse, meaning the constant deliberation of the major decision at hand is causing missed opportunities.  The Challenge of the High Priestess is changes need to be made, not hearing her wisdom will force a situation that free will is no longer and option. The only thing left will be the consequences of indecision. These consequences typically are more uncomfortable than the original situation in which would let you make changes at greater ease. 

In the past the alluring and hopeful Star presented as the "Good Idea" fairy, which lead to this very place of indecision you are residing. While the Star is a wishes fulfilled card, it is more idealistic than practical when it's energies are played out alone. The recent fading situation is signified by the Seven of Cups, the seeking of pleasure has derailed you from where you really want to be. Leading to fantasy and confusion. 

Without taking action on the situation the best outcome is the 2 of Wands, living by what is known or taking a risk. The clarification of this is highlighted by the 5 of Pentacles, showing life will continue to be challenging, run or walk it's up to you. Along with the 6 of Swords, shows there is nothing you can do besides move forward. 

The hardest part of the reading for me is what is next, the immediate future, things we usually can't do anything about, because they are already in play. The Devil, it indicates individuals that want to just use. This is highlighted by the Judgement and 7 of Cups across from it. The clarifications come in with the Knight of Cups, intense passion and 5 of Swords, pleasure at any cost. When you combine the Judgement with Knight of Cups it can create life changing situations, and not in the good way. They are unintentional.

The desire or outward self is wanting security and stability shown by the 10 of Pentacles. But the inward self or environment is in detriment with the 3 of Cups in reverse. This speaks to me about feeling lonely and isolated. Not having a sense of community. The fear here is the 7 of Swords, not wanting to be deceived. The immediate future highlights the outcome, The Tower. Sudden and complete destruction. Clarified by the 8 of Pentacles in reverse, working so hard the bigger picture is missed. Along with the Ace of Swords in reverse, utter chaos and confusion. 

The other energies in the reading show there will be a move physical move 6 of Swords and Tower. The Knight of Cups with the Tower also shows the intense nature of changes that will occur. The Seven of Swords with the Devil shows this situation will allow a break from dependency cycles. The Devil with the 5 of Pentacles express the depths of selfishness, abandonment of principles in the pursuit of pleasure and desire. The Star with the Tower allows you to use your intuition and view the situation as a good thing in the long run. This may all be painful but the highlight is with the Seven of Swords with the Star shows you are about to expand your consciousness, setting out to find growth and knowledge. 

Read Full Story...

Window Dressings of the Soul

Growing up the decor of my house was typical of most kids born in the 70's. A large stucco ranch house with orange shag carpets, standard track home fecal brown kitchen cabinets, and verdant curtains. Aww yes, the hideous window dressings. If you drove by my house you might have thought that my mom was hip or chic'... or she just had really odd taste in decor.  From looking at the outside of my house one thing you would never see was the bellicose current running through it. My house was a battle ground. My father was the Dictator, General, all mighty... the Omnipotent, well according to him. 

Reflecting as an adult I realized that we each have our own window dressings. The curtains that we wear to cover our truth, hiding the amassed pain that encompasses our soul. Each layer needs to peel away for us to see the divine light of our soul. For my father, there was no coping with his tumor ripe with disappointment and disillusion. He hoarded every negative experience until the point that love could barely live in his heart. Dealing with people in everyday settings became and inconvenience. Hell I'll go as far as to say for him life in general was an inconvenience. 

My father took everything personally so every slight in his life was a direct attack on him and his self-worth. If he had only decided to view things differently he might have lived in a light of love; instead he choose to live in a valley of solitude and darkness. His window dressings probably looked "Hot Rod" flames, not cause he was cool but because they would actually burn down anything that came close. Personally I changed my curtains on a regular basis, because he was always burn them down. 

One day I looked in the mirror and I saw him looking back at me. That was when I realized that I was allowing the plaque of anger to clog the arteries of my soul. Living with purpose, loving even the most annoying things in my life allowed my soul to start shining in a way I have never known. Viewing other negative individuals with compassion instead of dread. You can't expect others to just accept the light you try and shine in their lives. They have to see it for what it is and want to receive your gifts. 

I've learned that some individuals curtains are like iron. They choose to not allow your light or theirs to permeate through. This doesn't mean that I should stop trying it just means that I need to continue being an example of light and love. If I'm doing it free of my own ego then there is no reason for me to take it personal or as a rejection. It isn't about me. Unconditional love and acceptance comes from extending to others with out expectations of anything in return. 

So far I'm actually finding letting things go so much easier than holding on to them. It was very hard at first, but when you start checking your ego at the door it becomes effortless. The destiny of my soul is to be of service of others. And in order to fulfill that purpose I must shed all ego centered things. It's the only way to truly see.... I AM.

"Rise up and free yourself now and for always from the domination of your personality, with its self-inflated and self-glorifying mind and intellect.

For your mind henceforth must be Your servant, and the intellect Your slave, if My Word is to penetrate to your Soul conciousness which I have quickened expressly in preparation for the reception of My Word.

Now, if you are strong enough to bear it;

If you can put asside all your private personal fancies, beliefs and opinions, which are but the rubbish you have gathered from the dumping grounds of others;

If you are strong enough to cast them all away;-

Then My Word will be to you a source of endless Joy and Blessing."

Joseph S. Benner - The Impersonal Life 

Read Full Story...

Progress

I haven't written in a while, so I thought I should get back to it. Things have changed a lot in my house. Calm is no longer elusive. Der and I have found a way to get along and change the type of relationship that we have. The kids are doing better in school and I'm not irritated with him just in my presence.

This change isn't because of something he has done, it comes from me no longer engaging in the frivolous power struggles. More than anything it's come from me just letting crap go. I've been working more on trusting my instincts and using the cards less. My vision has become clearer, sharper and more accurate than ever. Because I have let go of the people and things that were fogging up my sight I've found a new way to operate. 

I've found my self jolted at times from impressions of individuals that I have tried to put in my past. This weekend brought renewal of faith in my gifts. Working with one young woman I was able to tell her where I saw he fathers cancer. She confirmed the area I saw was were the doctors think his cancer originated. It seems that a particular person is a fast acting catalyst for me. When I'm working things out about this individual I get sudden development of clear sight. 

I've also found a wonderful new board where I have been giving out lots of readings and the feedback is amazing. I never realized how different my reading style is from other individuals. I'm direct, but compassionate and nurturing. This is a good thing to know. It helps me define who and how I work. 

Tomorrow is a big day. The Solar Eclipse is going to bring new light into the world and with it major changes. That means there will be some chaos as well, you have to have a catalyst for change. But placing your faith in a higher place will bring you through the times ahead. 

Read Full Story...

Libra Sun/ Scorpio Moon..All Me Heart and Soul

Libra Sun Scorpio Moon

"Her Illumination: Sexual."

"Her dark side: Baffling."

This lady is something of a novelty. She's a very different sort of woman. Normally sweet tempered and calm, she's very affected by her Moon and can be one of the most irascible of the Zodiac. Her temper is memorable, mostly, because she's usually so nice. It seems odd for her to screech about. She's many a man's delight as she is very focused on romance and sex. 

She has a sexuality that can take over even the most logical and temperate of men. This sexual expression of hers is the combination of a spiritual union and the force and energy of a tidal wave. She's pure fantasy, romance, and candlelight. And then, raw and earthy passion. Never quite sure of what you mean to her, you'll keep coming back for more. Is it physical or cosmic? Are you the only one that makes her feel that way, or would telephone sex work as well? I'm going to let you figure that one out for yourself. It's not fair for me to tell all her secrets.

She's also talented, but not in the usual business ways. She's a researcher, an investigator, a soldier or a spy. I told you right up front she was a novelty, so if you're expecting a lover in the general sense look elsewhere. She'll be a baffling co-partner; she'll barely notice you one day and put you under the microscope the next. The children will receive the same sort of treatment. She's consistent about this: she's never dull, always exciting, exotic and alluring. 

If she pursues you, you'll find yourself in her fragile spider's web. It's going to take some doing to get yourself out. If you're a Scorpio, Cancer or Taurus, you'll like the weaving. The Virgos think she's the perfect answer to counterbalance an ordered day, but don't have the stamina for her long term. She's usually attracted to the Sagittarius and they aren't good for each other."

Taken from The Book of Lovers by Carolyn Reynolds.

One last note, as much as a burden my moon can be, I love it. Why? Because no one is a mystery such as myself. Few enjoy the depths that most have to go to in order to know me. Even those who think they do, have yet to scratch the surface. You will never know everything until I choose to let you in. And in all my years only my Ex had been even close to knowing all, but despite time even he doesn't. Hence why he is my Ex. Not to be difficult, but loyalty and change are a must. And you must be up to the challenge. 

When you cross me or test me, depending on the nerve you hit, will determine your place in my life. I love deeply and intensely but you shut me out in a way I can't understand you will become the dust beneath my feet. "What's your name again?" Yeah don't remember you. Guess you were as important as I was to you. 

I hate dealing with those who can't voice their needs. If you need something new, change.. If I love you I will be  more than willing to give it to you. So if you wonder how I feel. Look at how much I'm willing to sacrifice of myself. If you don't get it after that, you aren't paying attention. I'm shrewd and sharped tongued at times, but I will balance it out with acceptance and understanding. Just be faithful and loyal to me. Loyal in your friendship and faithful in your words. I won't expect what you don't put out. 

Libra in balancing, but Scorpio through my emotional state. I'm fair, emotional first, but even more sexual and sensual. Meaning if you piss me off, I'll get even. It might mean you think things are ok because I'm willing to get down and dirty. But in my mind, it's my last bit of revenge. I'll grudge fuck the hell out of you. But know you will never talk or know me again.

Read Full Story...

Faith, Today and Beyond

Have you ever wondered why you have to go through certain experiences? Well I'm back to the theme of patience. When is the lesson ever going to end? I get it, I need to have more of it. All these holding patterns on an action oriented person is stifling. I feel like the 'Hanged Man' day in and day out. Always observing and watching, but never able to act upon.

I've been told and seen, but even then I try to work my own wants and will. It doesn't end up well. Even though I know better, I just hope that it will work out. Nope! Not gonna happen. All that happens is I become extremely frustrated. I feel like the guy in the song "The man who can't be moved", you want someone to come and find you, but they aren't meant to. Accepting your broken heart and hoping things will change is all that you can do. This is the path I've chosen. I hate it but I have to deal.

All I know is if God is supposed to provide better, then I have spectacular things ahead!  I need to maintain as his faithful servant and know that it is all for the best. No one said it was easy or I wouldn't have to grieve a loss I didn't expect to have.

'Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place the we'd meet
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street

So I'm not moving
I'm not moving

Read Full Story...

Crazy Writers Block

It's been a while since I last blogged. I've suffered from a horrible case of writers block. Nothing like having so much to say, then it all runs out your head. Trying to be patient and find inspiration has been difficult. Once again I'm back in a theme of patience. Ehhh...

Another think I have struggled with lately is knowing when someone is not being honest with you. As much as I try and not know things, I still know. It can cause a great amount of hurt and sadness. I've taken the stance that it isn't my business why the person has chosen to be deceitful. People typically only lie when they feel like they are in a position where it is needed. Even if the reason doesn't make sense to others. So more patience is needed in this situation.

Hopefully my writers block lifts soon. I feel like I'm letting myself down.

Read Full Story...