A Homeless Woman and Her Tacos

My kids called me requesting I pick up taco's from their favorite taco spot. This particular place is not much to look at, but has the best chicken and fish tacos. And no, I don't mean chicken and fish in one taco, that's just gross. As I'm turning onto the street that leads to the drive-thru, I see a frail old homeless lady standing on the corner holding a sign. The sign says, "Anything helps." Homeless in this particular area is pretty common, but she was old and tiny so it bothered me more than usual.

My kids dad used to complain I gave too much to the homeless. Notice I didn't call him my husband, because he has been placed on "ex" and "kids dad" status. Partly because of this very attitude. So I started buying food gift cards to give the homeless when I saw them. I had two McDonalds gift cards, but I thought, "Hey I'm already at the taco spot I'll just buy her tacos."

 I ordered the food, drove around the block because I couldn't get to her from where the drive thru emptied out. Pulling up to the lady, I roll down my window, hand her $5 and two tacos. She reached into the car grabbed the two tacos with the $5 on top. I smile at her. She grumbles, turns around, then throws the tacos into the bushes, and pockets the $5. Now my first inclination was, "What the hell!" Actually, it was, "what the F'k" but hell sounds better. 

As I drove away I actually started laughing. One reason being, I could hear my kids dad in my head saying, "See, this is why I'm like that." But the other reason was because her sign said, "anything helps." I guess she meant anything but tacos help. I also find irony in her attitude. People are hungry for knowledge and ask me to tell them anything I can in a reading. When I do, and it isn't what they want, well it's tacos in the bushes all over again. 

My point is the universe gives us what we need, not what we want. If we have a lack of appreciation for what is given and obviously need, we will never be happy with what we have. There is a lesson in every trial, complication, and unwanted situation. I always ask the questions that my querent wants me to ask, but I also receive more information on what is needed than what is wanted. So there may be insight on the original question(s), but if the querent has been ignoring issues, I get more info on what is preventing them from achieving what they want. 

I don't know if it's just me, but don't you ever notice when you don't get what you want something better comes along? Maybe it's just my optimistic view of things. 

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The Akashic Records

With the "New Year" quickly approaching the Akashic Records have steadily been on my mind. I first started trying to work with the Akashic Records in March 2012. The first time I actually entered the records I was elated. Actually, I thought I made the whole thing up until I did the fact checking process. Asking a question and receiving an answer to something I had no knowledge. After I exited the Records I verified the information.

Let me not get too far ahead of myself, I know most people aren't familiar with the Records. (You will always see me capitalize "Records" because it is an entity that must be respected, like an extension or essence of God.) When I mention the Akashic Records or the Akashic field to friends, they give me the "deer in headlights" look. The Sanskrit meaning of Akasha is space or ether.

"Everything that has form, everything that is the result of combination, is evolved out of this Akasha... It cannot be perceived; its is so subtle that it is beyond all ordinary perception." - Yogi Swami Vivekananda

My mom had followed Paramahamsa Yogananda and the Self-Realization Fellowship since the late 1940's. She had never mentioned the Akasha to me, so I find irony that as an adult I found my way to the Records. But then again if you knew the story of my mom it wouldn't be that surprising. Paramahamsa Yogananda had a deep an rich understanding of spirituality.

"God's consciousness that is the repository of everything that is, was, or will be- can be extended into visible words, the so-called Akashic Records written in the ether; or into audible sounds vibrating from the ether; or into Akashic exclamations, cognizable odors, flavors, or tactual sensations; or into true visions, or illuminating thoughts, or intuitive or vibrations of pure feeling or will." - Paramahamsa Yogananda

Since I've been doing readings I feel like I need to get back to working with the Akashic Records. First, I need to heal and work on the changes needed within my life. Second, so that I may work through the Records to help others in their healing process. The cards are a great way for me to clarify situations or acknowledge energies in someone's life, but the Akashic Records are the ultimate source of clarification. My understanding of the Records is you can actually request to change your soul contracts, receive healing for past lives, and clear other karmatic linked issues.

I only know a few people who are aware of the Records existence. It would be nice to find more. I wonder how most people would feel to know that if they wanted to learn they could read the story of their own soul. It isn't an easy process, but it is one that others can learn. I often wonder why it took this long for me to want to go back and continue working on my own record. Like most things, you have to be ready. I definitely wasn't ready and probably wouldn't have been permitted had I tried. (Just because you ask doesn't grant entrance.) But I am now, so that is all that matters.

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Merry Christmas

Today was a wonderful day. I thought that I would be more bummed due to the circumstances of our family's dynamics, not to forget me missing my mom. Keeping the peace was so nice. It's been a long time since we could all be in the same place and not be at or ignore each other. Today is a day of peace how God intended.

I did have my challenges and trying to have a different perspective is not always easy. I'm just glad I stood my ground. There were times I wanted to be angry and mean, but I stayed on higher ground. That is not always easy when you are dealing with those that know how to push your buttons.

I was also sad and wishing. But you know what, if it's meant to be it will be. No matter how I feel, if it isn't blessed off on and isn't meant than I must just keep moving forward. This last month or so I've had a slew of opportunities and people come into my life. But even with the noise, I call it that not in an unappreciative sense, I know what I do and don't want in my life. What I don't want is my face and family put in a place of scrutiny. Not because I have things to hide but because you can't reel it all in once you open those doors.

No matter what, I have been so blessed this year. I have created great relationships with kind and honest people. I have discarded all the crap I don't want to be about. I have given other's an opportunity to heal even when they didn't know they needed it. Learning about who I am and who I'm not has been an adventure. And even when I think I might be compromising myself a tad, I think it's because I'm scared of the emotions that are drawn from the situation.

Most of all, I have loved, excepted, honored and given when I felt like I didn't have the strength. And it feels damn good. I've made unlikely friends, hunted for those I don't know, and accepted nothing in return. This is why I feel like I have been honored with the gift of "spirit", because no matter how you may strike my face, I will find a way to forgive and give to you in a way neither of us expected.

Thank you God for trusting me to be wise, kind and giving-- even when I thought I was incapable. Merry Christmas and Thank you all who have graced my life with their presence, even when proven difficult.

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Thing's I've Learned Doing Reading's

1. If you are giving advice, you should be following it.

2. Even if you can endure long periods of emotional turmoil, should you really do it in the name of making another better? I mean isn’t it up to them to want a more stable and fulfilling emotional connection?

 3. We can all preach unconditional love, but we can’t all give and receive it in a manner that is healthy for all.

4. Being a martyr is stupid. We all want to be that person who helps others, but when it costs us our emotional boundaries...Well, who is really the fool?

 5. No matter how much you care and love someone, you can’t give them personal value or self-esteem. Honestly, we can reflect back to them what we see, but they have to do the work that is needed to see why we cared in the first place.

 6. Love is never supposed to hurt. If loving someone makes your heart ache more than soar, we need to talk. I’ve been there and done this --stupidly, I might add.

 7. It’s ok to encourage others, but it’s not ok to enable them to continue in being powerless. Sometimes in trying to help others we speak so much or so strong, but we forget that it is up to them to speak and reach out for themselves. We can’t fight their fight, we can only stand ringside when they are ready.

 8. It’s okay to cry and let go. Some people can mean the world to us, but it isn’t in either of our best interest to continue down a path that won’t give growth to either.

 9. When someone brings you to the place you feel you can’t be without them, it’s time to check your karmatic connection. All the people I have been absolutely driven for have been in my soul circle. We have a karmatic bond that needs to be worked through. Soul mates are not about being the “one” as much as being the one who makes you grow.

10. Once you realize this is just a moment in time, you should enjoy every “moment” you can. Living in the present is a gift we should all cherish. Wanting a future where you don’t belong is nothing more than a burden. And the past is just that, not worth even going into.

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Folding is not an option

Right now, on this very night I want to fold like a deck of cards. I've made my share of mistakes, I've done things that are not very graceful. But tonight, I feel like, Why? Why? Why? Do I care about someone who doesn't give a fuck. Why do I have to understand everyone else? No one cares to understand me. I'm foolish in thinking I meant something, could help others. I can't even see when I'm being played. 

I want to abandon my cards, I want to shut down all sight and sound. I want to block out everyone else and I just want to be in myself. I don't want to give to anyone else. I'm tired of feeling everyone else's joy and pain. I just want to be a clueless self centered Bitch. Yes, as sad as that sounds, it's so simple and shallow. Let's not pretend there is an award for having depth. In this world, only what is eye deep counts. 

I knew, I saw, I ignored and now I'm trying to vent because I'm pissed at what I already knew. What a gift! What a wonderful, stupid, heart breaking gift! Most people don't know until it hit's them, nothing like seeing it and not believing because you are too optimistic, too stupid or just too blind to believe it. 

The only truly giving person I have known is my mom. She's gone now. So my belief in those who do selflessly is pretty thin. That is a dying gift. My part in that has quickly been tainted. It used to feel so good to love people just for the joy. But the world is so full of takers. Those who don't appreciate what is in their face. Those who will drain you until you have nothing left to give even yourself. 

I played with fire, and it's my own fault I got burned. There is one other person who could make me feel different, and even he is busy tonight. Too busy for a "Hey, hope all is well." But knowing me I talk too much and would want to talk more than he wants to speak to me. We all know men don't know how to say "I'm kinda busy, but I wanted you to know we can catch up later."

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Spartan Race

So, I've signed up for the Spartan Race in May. So excited! I've decided it's time to eat and live clean. The last time I did well with this lifestyle I was not involved with my kids dad. He seem's to be the reason I lose sight of the important things...Everytime! I've also noticed how keen my sense of smell has become lately. The things I used to like taste and smell poisoned in some ways.

I think the more time you spend on paying attention to the things around you, all your senses are heightened. It's a good and a bad thing. I can smell people and their habits. I can taste things that seem impure. I guess it's time to just make the change. I'm not asking it of anyone else. But  there is no doubt I can't go in the direction that I want, holding onto the things of the past.

Only hold on to what will benefit you, your higher-self. Lifting weights and running have always been things I enjoy. So I will not let go of those things. Poisonous relationships, toxic people and foods must all go. Change is always a good thing.

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Standing Your Ground

As I arise in the morning, my brain begins firing off all the things I processed while I slept. Usually, I ask about a theme for my day or something that will assist in self-growth. Today instead of asking for myself I asked about a friend. The message was "Seven of Wands" which is just the message this person needs. 

The numbers seven, eight and nine in tarot means a situation is almost at an end. The number ten signals the completion of a cycle. Seven is a divine number, as is three. The bible is full of sevens, from the Book of Genesis to Revelations. The Kabbalah teaches the number seven is perfection in the natural world. 

Seven is a number of manifestation. The first thing required in the manifestation process is intent. Planning, preparation, energy, conviction, strength in adversity, creating a strong hold, a defensive position to see your vision through. Stand your ground is what rings in my mind. 

This particular card is from the "Legacy of the Divine", my personal deck which no one is allowed to touch. Looking at this card I see the wands as all the decisions made to arrive in the place he is now standing. He is reflecting on what he has overcome, assessing the decisions made to get to this point. What's on the other side of the threshold is yet to be seen, but he has the courage, steadfastness, and strength to continue standing his ground. Moving closer to his goal.


The "Steampunk" the deck is the one I allow my clients to handle, so I feel as if this card is more expressive of the needs of my friend. This card depicts beautifully the sheer determination of the woman. Standing tall prepared for what is to come next. Her platform is above all the perils she overcame to reach her high ground. She has come too far to go back. The difference in the two cards to me, is one is spending more time reflecting, while the other looks ready to continue moving forward with ferocity. 

Normally, when a client picks this card I ask what they are defending or why they feel the need to be defensive. Most don't realize they're being defensive or aware of the inner dialog seeping out to the exterior world. Others know and acknowledge it's from the long weary battle they're fighting. Because I'm somewhat familiar with this person's situation, I know this is not about being defensive, it's about taking a stance and not compromising for anyone. 

Surround yourself with those who will help you maintain the energy needed to see this leg of the journey through. You will not fail, you are almost there. This is a card of fire, lots of energy and action. You have the strength, even if you feel as if you don't, the card is signaling this energy. It comes from a subconscious layer in which you need to align.  

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The Journey

I've been going through heavy transitions since 2005. The most life changing parts from 2009 until now. It has been in the last 6 months I've learned detachment is the only way to heal and move on. I've been in the middle of a legal separation since the beginning of the year and some days it is rough. The one card that popped up often was the "Six of Swords" the card of moving forward. 

For me, I block what is overly emotional. When I try to read myself, it's like looking through opaque glass. The one thing I can count on is feeling my way through things. The number six is about problem solving, communication, the journey to transformation, balance and harmony. The six of swords in my deck, "Legacy of the Divine" is the most reassuring card. It took me a long time to really appreciate the deeper meaning of the card. 

The picture shows a young woman standing at the bow of a boat looking forward. There is a hooded man behind her, steering the ship past seeming peril. The waters are smooth and calm. This is her journey, she isn't afraid of the things that may hurt her. She isn't anticipating what may come next. She is just present, living in the moment. More than anything I appreciated the fact she is never alone, even if the person is unidentifiable, someone has her back. 

Sixes are in the middle so they are not a brand new energy, but they are also not fully matured energy. This is a journey of the mind and spirit. Trusting yourself to let go of things that no longer serve our highest good is one of the most challenging things in our life. Knowing when the right time to do so is also a challenge. I've learned to listen to my inner voice even when it sounds reckless and insane. And so far it has been the best thing I could ever do for myself. It's given me the drive and confidence to do things that I didn't know were possible. More than anything it has given me harmony where it was once missing.

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The lesson of Strength

As I woke up this morning I thought to myself, "Why do I let this man get to me?" Once again my neurons are sluggish, nerves are irritated, and have crap to do. One of my biggest problems is I allow my environment to affect me, instead of it being the other way around. No more! 

The first thing is DX-ing any kind of liquor from my house. As long as this situation is going on I have to limit my harmful forms of escapism. I'm supposed to do readings today, but until the fog lifts I have to wait. Some of my friends ask me why I don't read after I drink. Simple answer, drinking lowers your energy, it opens you up to lower forms of energy. I refuse to to connect to anything that is not in the light of God.  

I might start my day with smudging and protection prayers, but the second I hear his voice it goes to crap. Everyone has that person, the one that can just cause their day to go to shit. As much as I acknowledge it, that is just not enough. I have to find a way to be more effective in my dealings, keeping my environment from being tainted from negativity I neither want nor need.  

The card "Strength" is a perfect example of bringing inner strength to deal with outer turmoil -- in a compassionate way. Although this woman is surrounded by beasts that could cause her harm, she does not allow herself to lose composure. Instead, she handles them with kindness and fearlessness. She is affecting her environment, creating the peace she needs.  

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Unconditionally

This morning I was listening to Katy Perry's "Unconditionally", such a beautiful and pure song. The imagery in the video is just as stunning as the lyrics. My favorite lyric in the song:

Acceptance is the key to be
To be truly free
Will you do the the same for me?

Such a deep way to love, a way that seems to have been lost in time. I've been in a situation where this is how I felt about someone and not in a racy romantic way (not fully, I should say). This person's soul seemed to call for the need of "unconditional" love. A soul unsure, unfamiliar, and unexperienced with this kind of love, or any other depth filled love beyond children. Not meaning there was no depth to the love this soul had experienced, just that trust for such intense forgiving love was not fully developed.

Imagine what it would be like not to fear being the true person you were meant to be. We all work to develop a sense of our authentic self. But how often do we compromise for fear of rejection or keeping the peace?  I'd be lying if I said I haven't been guilty of such acts. Growing up, we are conditioned to act in certain manners that may very well go against who we were meant to become. Why? For the sake of approval. Yet even with said "approval", we feel internally we have forsaken ourselves. I made it a point to make my children aware of the difference of my love for them, and my dislike for the things they do. Apples and oranges. The apples will always be there, the oranges could turn to kiwi's or pear's dependent on their stage in life.

We all have experienced love based on certain conditions of reciprocity. It made me wonder how many of us are willing to give that kind of love with nothing in return? This world would be so great if we could feel safe and strong enough to open our hearts and give without receiving in return. This doesn't mean that we give ourselves away, just that we love others as we love ourselves.

When we give unconditional love, it isn't a free pass to allow another to do as they want. Trust me, I'm aware of the takers who would continue to suck until there is nothing left. But in giving unconditional love we automatically promote forgiveness. There can still be boundaries. We can still love and care for someone without them in our daily lives. Sending love through our hearts and minds is still a way to give love, while maintaining healthy boundaries. Love is a universal energy.

I learned to forgive a woman I never thought I could, by sending protection and love to her and her child. If you knew the story you would ask me, "How could you do such a thing?" My answer in short, "It healed me and was better than the alternative. The one that was eating my soul alive.

In a time which seems so full of anything but love it was just great to hear this song.

Unconditionally - Katy Perry

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Coming to Terms

As far back as I can remember I always sensed what others were feeling. My parents chastised me for being too "sensitive" to what others said and did. Drifting off to sleep at night, I would see faces of strangers or places in my head. Honestly, I never thought much about it until I was introduced to the "Clair's", subtle waves of communication. Claircognizance (clear knowing) and Clairsentience (clear feeling/touch) are my special gifts. Precognition (seeing before it happens) and Clairvoyance (clear vision) comes and goes. These are the two that seemed to have dimmed as I left my childhood. 

Recently, I've been doing free readings for individuals. Some readings have left the querent in tears. Things flowed that I had no way of knowing, and individuals were faced with their darkest truths in the light of day. That is such a powerful thing to take part in. Trying to deny the ability to help others when they are in need, likens to seeing an accident happen and not stoping to help.   

I've had "Judgement" in my own readings. I kept ignoring the card, ignoring the "call" to something I was unaware was beckoning me. Well today, by staring this blog and continuing to help people face the truth, I'm acknowledging this call. I'm coming out of the closet, and coming to terms with my higher self. We will always experience discomfort and turmoil when we wander from our true path. To me, it feels like the universe's way of rerouting my UPS (Universal Positioning System), allowing me to get back on track.   

Most people don't acknowledge the amount of growth that is received from being uncomfortable. In order to change there always has to be a catalyst. Being unseated from what feels "good" is usually the biggest one. We can embrace the change or we can resist it. Either way our higher self will always come for us all. Easy or hard you get to decide, but it will happen. 

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