So I didn't think I have much left in me tonight. But I'm excited, full of happiness and joy for others. I have so many people I care about expanding and achieving so it makes me so joyous!! Our souls natural state is to constantly grow. God, the creator, who ever you think is in charge didn't make you to be stagnate. They wanted us to expand, not waist wise, but soulfully.
Everyday we are challenged, by our circumstances, by our situations or other things we never imagined. The point is all the same, just open your heart and believe that if he created your beautiful self he will take care of you. That doubting mind is oh so human, but trust, what will you lose.
The world is so full of uncertainties. What you will go through if x and y aren't met. But if you give it all away. Believe you are loved in a way that you aren't used to, one that is unfamiliar you will be ok. This doesn't mean be foolish and spend reckless amounts of money. It means when things get hard and blind, give blindly and trust in the thing that was great enough to form every working cell in your body. Know your life has purpose.
God is amazing if you really give him time, get to know him. He has a unique design for you. A beautifully complicated plot that you can play lead. All you have to is B-E-L-I-E-V-E in his all knowing ways.
I've written a bit about my divorce and the choice I've made to spend time in redeveloping myself. Beyond saying I want to romance myself, I never really got into the reasons why. The obvious reasons are my children. I don't want them to think that relationships are a revolving door; one leaves another person enters. The other factor is I don't want anyone around my kids that don't have their best interest at heart. They are sacred to me, like all sacred things only a few get to experience their presence.
The reason outside my kids is me, why I got married and will engage in another soulful relationship. First, I'm not the bitter "all men are dogs and liars" kind of woman. Everyone is judged on their own merit. I know I will find and love again. But then again, maybe that is the Libra in me, in love with the thought and sensation of love. Everyone marries for different reasons. Some for companionship, others financial and security reasons, me it's all about the L-O-V-E. There is nothing like someone who knows your thoughts without you speaking them. That soulful connection that let's you know it's you and them against the world. Bring it, because we are unshakeable.
So when I think about dating, I think about meeting new people and trying new things. But the problem with most after divorce, we are chumming the waters with our dignity and self esteem. Most people don't get out of a marriage without the typical dents and dings of "what was wrong with me." Dates that consist of validating we still have it, equate to disaster. Why? Because we want proof that we are still worthy of loving, still young enough to turn heads, whatever the "thing" is we need to still feel relevant and have something to offer. Placing our worth in someone else's hands is always a set up for failure. Everyone doesn't do it, but it does happen for many. Most don't even realize that's what's silently going on.
When I think of marriage, I see two souls becoming one. In order to do so you have to take part of your own soul and give it to another. So what happens to those soul pieces once they are discarded by divorce? Time is needed to collect each piece you gave away. That means healing and making what was given whole again. Finding the loves and the part of yourself you gave away to make room for another's. I don't think people contemplate much of what is traded in such an intimate relationship. We all have soul pieces that we lose when we are deeply wounded or deeply connected to another, even when that connection fades. Those parts of ourselves, we have to rediscover and recollect to be whole, after any great loss. Maybe you might find someone who helps you do that, but that is a rarity.
I can go out and date with a plan. It's all fun and games until someone ends up taking me by surprise. I was just looking for a good time. Why do I feel like this? I don't know when that next "one" is going to be placed in my life. But with out my own soul pieces back, how can I really give my heart. Once you are involved with someone else how do you have time to rediscover yourself? You're discovering something else new. It might be something you will enjoy, but is it genuinely you? You will never know without that much needed break to stare yourself in the mirror. Allowing for cathartic moments that pave way for something new.
I might be unique in the sense that I enjoy my alone time. I enjoy thoughts untainted by others opinions and prejudices. My mind is a machine that never goes out of service, just a little sideways. But I also enjoy the challenge of others. I do long for the touch of another's skin against mine. But I'm a treasure, like true treasures, it isn't encountered by many. So if I just go all willy-nilly in my needs for sexual healing and ego validation, how is it I'm treasuring myself? If I want to be treated like the uniquely intelligent, nurturing, sexy woman I am. I sure can't, not use my mind to reason through the maze of single, uncertain new beginnings. I better pamper myself and nurture my own heart before another's. Truly, there is nothing sexy about a woman who has no sense of self love or worth.
I'm a genuinely sexual woman. I like all kinds of kinky and naughty things. But I also know that it's not meant for all men. I'm not chumming the water with my sexual prowess in hopes a shark will stay. I don't need someone to let me know I'm still young, beautiful, and worth getting to know. If a man can't figure that out on his own, he doesn't deserve the prize inside. If I'm the treasure I think I am, I'm damn well going to make you work to find the key. Only a special person deserves to unlock my box.
If you are newly getting out a long term relationship, please be kind to yourself and be honest. There is nothing wrong with you if you decide to opt out. You never need another person to validate your worth. You are uniquely you and worth loving the way you want and deserve.
I've spent some really boring moments on my butt lately. Having a torn ACL and meniscus means I don't get around much. Someone thought it was a bad idea to give me crutches because of my dislocated elbow and fractured humerus. Yeah, when I get hurt, I get really hurt. I was really mad at first, anything that restricts my freedom enrages me. Part of my rebellious nature, no one is going to tell me what I can and can't do. This is why I think this happened in the first place. Kinda like the universe put me on a time out. It's the only way I would have been forced to stop and make a plan. If you know me, then you know I do best flying by the seat of my pants. Not saying that planning is bad, I just know life never goes as planned.
Since my forced time out, I've reflected on the things I want, how to get them and who I am, minus the 220lbs that I just left my life. I came across a book my mom had on numerology. I've never really played with numerology. I have much respect for it. I believe in the trinity and divine number 7. Everything has a vibration to it, even numbers. While playing around with the concepts, I've learned that my twins and I both have Master Number 22 and my oldest Master Number 11 as a life path.
When I learned about what Master Number 22 was all about, I had an "ah ha" moment. The very concept of 22 is bringing dreams into reality. Taking from above and creating here on earth. Anyone who knows me knows if I want something, I find a way to get it, no matter what it is. It's kind of a trademark of mine. It annoys some because I don't have to work hard for it, and it's seen as wasted talent. For me, it does make me a bit lazy. I just always saw it as luck.
The more I read about this Master Number I learned it comes with great potential but also causes a bit of stress. Expectations of yourself become a point of contention in the sense of failure. You're set up for success but something inside of you is scared to death. The fear you will fail. Yes, that fun bit of perfectionism can really do a number on your self esteem in terms of failing. The more I read I realized this is the same thing as my Saturn trine Neptune. Saturn in 7th and Neptune in 10th, both angular houses.
Saturn trine Neptune is the aspect that makes dreams come true, all you need is to have faith and hard work. Well Hot Damn! Two different systems with the same aspects. I remember being looked at crazy when I would tell people I believed anything was possible, just imagine it. These aspects also come with a flip side. If you see things in the negative that is what you will receive. A gift and a curse. The vibration of the mind no matter what state it is in, will manifest a tangible outcome.
I'm going to have knee surgery soon. That means several more months down. Oh well, gives me plenty of time to think about all the things I would like to create. Being in this bad relationship had sucked the creativity out of me. The funny thing I read about Master Number 22, on the lower end I would "... slip into the depths obscurity, achieving little more than personal support." That is exactly what my marriage did, made me the personal advisor to an ungrateful individual. If I have to spend months on my arse in order to realize the higher end of my potential again, so be it.
I've entered and am exiting a rather confusing time. The next phase of my life is beginning and I thought that someone else was supposed to come along. God gave us free will so that we can grow. Although I know and recognize the past and the future we are supposed to create, it's oaky that the other party doesn't. That is joy of free will. Each, in our own time, in our own way.
I understand the point of the circumstance, soul recognition goes beyond our eyes and normal social standings. The point is to challenge us to something new, so that our souls grow. Growth has no boundaries, no norms, no comforts, just truths. If you don't learn this life, you have plenty of other chances. The hardest part of living an earthly life for some is letting go of material, earthly ways of validation. You can't take your riches and sense of security with you when you leave your present life. It all get's left behind, including the things you did to achieve such wealth. Where you kind? Where you generous? Where you hoarding what you have to prove your worth?
All those things come into play. When you believe you will have enough, truly believe in your heart of hearts, you will. When you hang your souls worth on it all, you become a slave to earthly recognition. You can create a legacy for your children by working through their hearts, and teaching them, kindness, unconditional love, and the Universal Laws . It's ok to attain wealth and substance, as long as your recognize it for what it is. Once you hang your soul's validity on such things it violates the purpose of this life. We never live just to obtain stuff, we live to obtain knowledge. Food for the ever wanting and expanding soul.
You are always perfect and deserve the best, but don't get caught up so much that you can only relate through earthly things. Be in the world, not of the world. You will meet souls along the way and you have a choice to nurture those relationships or nurture you false sense of self. If you are living a good and giving life, those earthly things will come. They will come, because you are grateful for everything in your life, even the difficult things teaching you something new. Keep your mind straight and your heart loving.
I dislocated my elbow, so I won't be typing much for a while. Ta Ta for now.
When I get cranky and emotional as I am today and my dogs are refusing to come in my work area, it's clear sign I need to clean my house. I typically sage my house once a week. This week I have been dealing with quite a few people who have had some negative energy. So I'm whipping out the heavy hitter, "Three Kings" resin. This is a mix of Frankincense, Myrrh, and Sandalwood.
My neighbors all think I'm smoking pot when I burn sage and I'm into witchcraft when I burn resin. It's funny how everything has to have a label. Frankincense is used in the Catholic Church during mass. How is the witchy? I think everyone should cleanse their house, especially in times of high stress. You would be amazed at the things you bring home with you.
In the words of my very good friend, I got "white girl" wasted. My friend is white. If you have never heard of this term, Amy Schumer does a great skit of it's definition on Comedy Central. It's basically when you get super emotional about everything while drinking.
Thank god my phone died. I almost gave up the last of my dignity, my thumbs vomited loving accolades to a man who doesn't even gave a shit about me. Then I wised up an almost slept with my ex, as if that was a good revenge move. Thank god I realized I would never get rid of his ass if I did that. Like that would make anything better, so glad I dodged that bullet.
I'm rather ashamed of myself. Not for the rambling or the crying. God knows I've been holding the crying in. Not for the crazy ass texts that I sent. My diet has been spot on lately minus last Saturday, Wednesday and last night. I was doing a fine job moving forward with my physical goals. I just don't like using alcohol as buffer. It's a slippery slope that is unnecessary.
If it wasn't for the fact I've been grieving the loss of so many people I love, I wouldn't be so hard on myself. Grieving is the wrong time to indulge in booze. Actually, I woke up this morning and laughed at the immaturity of my actions. When it's a duck you call it a duck. I've been extremely hurt and feeling like I have a hole in my heart. I know that there is a plan for me, but why does it have to be so painful?
I always wonder, is there anyone that feels my pain like I feel their's?
Most people who know me, know I keep my circle tight. I'm not the kind of person that has 500 people on my Facebook page. Hell, I was surprised when I hit triple digits. I love to socialize and I know a decent amount of people, but not that many really know me. So having my best friend move to Florida is really messing me up. That will 4 of my close friends who bailed off to Florida. Don't they know how shitty the schools are compared to here.
Crappy schools or not I'm devastated. My support system here is small and I might be losing another close one soon to that stupid state. Praying for it not to happen. Actually I'm not, I would never pray for something that would prevent someone else's happiness. I'm just having and adult tantrum right now. Yeah, I have them from time to time. At least I'm honest.
Figured I'd get it out before the crew gets here. We are going party like when were 25! Yup, been my Sista for 12 years! If I write when I've been drinking some really random things fly out my head. I might even go into some irrelevant rant about another pooh butt who has made me really sad. She better treat him well. No matter how much it hurts, I hope that all those I love are happy. Even the ones who break my heart.
This morning I received an email from a friend in India who's father just passed. I know this is the beginning of a new journey for her father. But its also a sad and inevitable ending for her and the family. My blog isn't super popular -- yet. If you see this, please say a little prayer of strength and comfort for a stranger. Most would be surprised at how many strangers pray for them without knowledge.
Rupal - I love you, sending strength and comfort.
I had a client ask me about dream walking, a technique that allows you to intend your way into another individuals dream's. Dream walking is an advanced technique based on Lucid Dreaming. Lucid dreaming is when you are sleeping, but you're conscious. I've never really had to practice a particular technique to achieve this state, it just happens if I intent it. Back at the beginning of my marriage I would dream walk when my ex was overseas. It didn't happen often, because he ended up in long periods of sleep deprivation.
The biggest issue with most people is dream recall. That has never been an issue for me, my dream recall is phenomenal. The key is not to jump up the second you wake up. I replay my dream, but the best thing is to write or voice record it. Last night, I had a lucid dream that reminded me of the effect the conscious and subconscious can have when working in sync. For those who don't understand that statement, let me say it differently. When lucid dreaming your pain and pleasure sensors are intact. For example, I was grabbed by my forearm and lifted into the air. On the releasing of the grip, while I was shouting "NOW!!!" I woke up. When I woke up, I was shouting 'now' in real life and could feel the pain searing through my forearm.
What happened? I was asleep but my conscious was not. As I navigated this particular dream, my physical sensory never turned off. My subconscious whips up the landscape an theme, this time it was expelling demons, my conscious made my body feel the physicality's of the dream. The best thing about lucid dreaming is being able to control the dream. There was no fear when this beast picked me up, it enabled me to look it in the face and demand it be gone. Kinda my theme now days. Cutting the through the crap.
I also blame this dream on too much garlic. I've been refining my foods, so there is less processed sugars and starches and lots of the healthy fats. I made an awesome veggie stir-fry, but I went crazy with the garlic. The demons in my dream were all the things of the past I've been clearing, taking back control over my life. So as painful as the grip felt, the liberation from actively taking part, not being a passive observer, felt even better.
Most people think you can't control your dreams, but you can, set an intention. Everything in this world is based on your mind. Intention is the key. Try it and let me know how it works for you.
