My mom used to tell me that I should never start anything new in the last 3 months before my birthday. I never really understood until this past year. Just like the seasons are cyclic, so are we. Those last three months are the burning down period, or the equivalent to winter. The first three months after your birthday are your spring. Time to plant your seeds. Time to ride the winds of change.
My birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I can feel it. It's been building over the past few weeks, like an antsy Thoroughbred at the racing gate. I wake up with a huge smile on my face. Go through my day doing my tasking with love and joy. Oh those winds, swirling around my feet, whipping my hair, whispering to me... soon.
It doesn't matter what I'm doing through my day I can feel the shift occurring around me. Living in gratitude, I have all I need. This year is supposed be pivotal for my future. The foundation for future success. I truly believe it, because I have a great love for my solitude, respect for the lessons and challenges I've been facing. The same things that would set the stress meter on high barely make a blip on the radar.
That balance that seemed to allude me is starting to creep it's way into complete understanding. The things I'm shown are not always for reveling to others, but to give me a greater understanding of what is going on. It's showing me not to take it personal. Telling me now, you have given, now it's time to stop acting and be an observer.
Looking back over the past couple years, the same sensation was in the air, but they were caused more fear based emotions. This year because I have changed the way I view my challenges and the purpose for them, that wind is welcomed. I don't have great expectation in the traditional sense, my expectations are more about embracing the ride before me.
The mind is a powerful tool that can be used for good or evil. This is true when it comes to your self talk as well. I love doing readings, shedding light in the dark recesses my clients hide from. The only draw back, for some it creates anxiety instead allowing healing. That hamster gets running and a new crop of issues appear out of nowhere. They are perceived failures and what if's that haven't even occurred. The point of being given the information is not to worry, but to use it as a tool to make better decisions.
This morning I woke up super early, like a quarter to 4 early. When I say wide awake I mean like I literally just popped up. My body felt like dancing, who needs coffee when life is flowing along. Not even 10 minutes into my feel good, a surge came in and I felt like yelling, "NO!! The information given to you was not for that purpose, stop that crap!!" I was like I feed someone's hamster information amphetamines. Totally running out of control at warp speed. The epitome of the Nine of Swords, the looping mind.
I had someone tell me one time, "well all the things I was worried about happened, so I had a right to be worried." It was hard to stifle the scoff that was about to come out. This is where the Law of Intention and the Law of Attraction come in. Yes, I'm sure they did happen, because this individuals thoughts manifested those worries into their life.
Worries are like Gizmo in the movie Gremlins. He's small, soft and gentle, but feed him after midnight, those thoughts are replicating at a dangerous rate with a vicious twist. Do yourselves a favor when the mind starts to loop, mindfully turn your thoughts to a positive place. Pull the hamster off the wheel and go to sleep. I used to be a late night worrier, but I realized I missed sleep and nothing was solved. Meditating and allowing them to flow instead of you moving them around is so much healthier. It allows for release and intuition to become your guide.
One of the hardest things for me as a tarot reader is just giving the information and letting go of the end result. Some readers learn how to read the cards by memorizing. I use the cards because it's what's expected. Most of the information I get is not directly from the cards by what I'm told or shown. When what I hear or see is unclear, the cards can help decipher the messages.
I've always said that I would never tell anyone about death, the only one who knows when our time is up, is the one who created all. This was a specific boundary for me. I don't believe in telling the future. I believe in telling you all the energies that are present in your life, some you can change and others you can not. Either way, the client has free will to choose how they want to deal with the situations.
Well my boundaries have been flexed overtime since my ex is out my life. Last weekend I was called to do a reading that seemed like normal. But when I got to the reading I had a message for someone else at the location. It was the first time I had seen, without a shadow of a doubt, death if a change was not made. The person who it was for had a deep addiction that was physically manifesting and causing the individual to switch to an even worse addiction. To compile the problem this person was a sensitive.
Lot's of people with the gift to feel others, see what most would call crazy, have addiction problems. It's a way to try and cope with the wave of constant incoming energy and information. It over loads your emotions and senses. So they drink or use drugs as a way to escape the excess stimulation. The flip side of such coping is you draw negative energy toward you because your vibration is so low. This is where the term "low life" came from. I'm not one to get all new-age-y and talk about vibrations, but the truth is everything is matter, vibrating at a certain rate. Matter is never created or destroyed, it's just transformed from one state to another.
I didn't tell this individual that they would die, although that was the message, but I did stress the importance of making changes now. It was the warning that the threshold has not been crossed, and now was the time to act. I spoke in terms of chemical responses to the brain and healing that had to take place for the brain chemistry to go back to normal. I spoke of how it wasn't just a physical response. The relief they were looking for came from a spiritual place. I gave them tools, explaining psychic protection; I told them I would help cleanse the energies continuing to attach themselves and even hold their hand through detox. You don't charge people in that dire of straights. How can you call yourself a healer? Others may disagree, but in a situation like that, I was called by one and obviously meant for another.
So it's a week later, I haven't heard from this person and I haven't received any interference. Meaning, I get poked with messages and dreams if I ignore what I'm being told. This was squarely on the individual. It's hard to just detach myself from such a sad situation, they're a single parent. But I brought my message, I offered what I could and now I just have to be ok with it.
Now ,enter another situation. This has been the most frustrating, emotionally charged, complicated, relationship I have ever dealt with. It started in a odd way. I thought it ended in an odd way. Yet, it's still not done. It's like a period of rest. For me it's a pain in the ass. I find my self having to give messages and be patient with things I would never normally deal with. But it taught me and brought me to what I do now. This person also has choices to make, and for some reason I'm constantly having to tell and nudge. The destiny for this person is greater than my ego and hurt feelings. I remind myself of this over and over. You want to talk about humbling.
Let me tell you, every time I have a dream, I want scream, "WHY ME?" The whole dynamic makes me crazy. But I was brought to this place and point, like everything else I do, I have to trust this is for a reason. They don't understand it and neither do I, but it is what it is. I want to detach myself from the outcome in this situation as well. But the one thing about this situation, I keep acquiring tools as time goes on. It's less personal. It just doesn't make me feel any less crazy.
It's like I get slices of things to show as a proof of life, so I can yell "Now get your ass back on the path!" But the flip side is I've learned how to love this person in a way that is truly unique. It's pure, I don't need their love in return, I don't need to know what's going on in their life. I just radiate love. It feels good to wake up and send love in that direction. So maybe that is part of my path. To learn to love with out possessing or wanting. I love them for the shear joy I get from sending love to them. It's allowed me to do that with all the relationships in my life. I wake up with joy and I go to sleep with the same joy.
Update: I had something's happen tonight and I realized, just because I'm open doesn't mean that I have to listen. I don't want to deal with this anymore, not like this. I should have more of a say over my space. They are my dream's, thought's, my everything. There shouldn't be a penalty for not going along like a good girl. I'm tired of feeling like I'm left to other's whim's. As much as I have learned, screw this, I don't want to be a slave or just an end to fit the means. If they don't get what they are supposed to do, I can't and won't own that. Too bad for their self-centered butt. I have other crap to do. You have something to share and offer the world, you don't want to do it, that's on you. I refuse to own that.
For me, stress is a thing of the past. My load has gotten a lot lighter. I wish I would have just trusted everything would be ok and stop trying to make it alright. It wasn't alright, matter of fact I'm pretty sure I made it worse. Bottom line I owned someone else's issues and didn't do what was best for myself.
Since learning that very life changing and painful lesson. I don't need anymore encouragement in the letting it go area. I've let everything go. I came to a place of peace and it is so liberating. All that energy in worrying about this, that and other. Nah, totally over it.
Now, before you think I'm having some post-marital psychotic break, just hear me out. When I was first married I was foot loose and fancy free, as I have been all my life. The one trait that anyone predating my marriage would tell you, I was fearless and full of optimism. My friends used to think I was crazy, because I would run or roller blade 10 miles to work. If the world kicked me, I would shake it off and say the world kicked like a sissy.
I stayed that way until my pregnancy with the twins. Then suddenly life seemed so much heavier. More responsibility meant less of me to go around. As time wore by, my shine dimmed. That place that made me happy seemed to shift. It wasn't all the responsibility that degraded my happiness, it was my need to shoulder it on my own. I stopped doing what made me resilient all my youth; I handed it over to something higher than myself. I had a better perspective of what I could and couldn't control as a child than as an adult.
So I wake up in the morning, I chose to think about the things that I have to take care of, but not worry about them. I drive with my sunroof open, windows down, hair whipping in the wind as I sing to any given tune that makes me smile. When I stop at a red light, I flash a great big smile at the driver next to me, spreading the joy. You know what happens, they smile back. People have always talked to me unsolicited, but now it's doubled. I'm positive it's because the smile I wear constantly.
Happiness is not something you wait for, or are given. It is some thing you have to decide. I'm a contractor so I don't get paid every two weeks. I get paid after submitting an invoice and waiting 30 days. Well the company I contract for screwed up the payment process so my pay would be almost 3 weeks behind. I didn't stress and start going into a panic attack I just kept saying I trust it will be alright. This will get handled. I went about my business, stayed positive and happy. Guess what showed up in the mail 3 days later than the normal time, not 3 weeks. Yup, my check.
Everything else in my life might run short at some point. But 3 things never do Love, Optimism, and Faith. These things fuel my soul. Happiness is a choice. Everyday I choose nothing less than happiness.
