Chumming the Dating Waters

I've written a bit about my divorce and the choice I've made to spend time in redeveloping myself. Beyond saying I want to romance myself, I never really got into the reasons why. The obvious reasons are my children. I don't want them to think that relationships are a revolving door; one leaves another person enters. The other factor is I don't want anyone around my kids that don't have their best interest at heart. They are sacred to me, like all sacred things only a few get to experience their presence.

The reason outside my kids is me, why I got married and will engage in another soulful relationship. First, I'm not the bitter "all men are dogs and liars" kind of woman. Everyone is judged on their own merit. I know I will find and love again. But then again, maybe that is the Libra in me, in love with the thought and sensation of love. Everyone marries for different reasons. Some for companionship, others financial and security reasons, me it's all about the L-O-V-E. There is nothing like someone who knows your thoughts without you speaking them.  That soulful connection that let's you know it's you and them against the world. Bring it, because we are unshakeable.

So when I think about dating, I think about meeting new people and trying new things. But the problem with most after divorce, we are chumming the waters with our dignity and self esteem. Most people don't get out of a marriage without the typical dents and dings of "what was wrong with me." Dates that consist of validating we still have it, equate to disaster. Why? Because we want proof that we are still worthy of loving, still young enough to turn heads, whatever the "thing" is we need to still feel relevant and have something to offer. Placing our worth in someone else's hands is always a set up for failure. Everyone doesn't do it, but it does happen for many. Most don't even realize that's what's silently going on.

When I think of marriage, I see two souls becoming one. In order to do so you have to take part of your own soul and give it to another. So what happens to those soul pieces once they are discarded by divorce? Time is needed to collect each piece you gave away. That means healing and making what was given whole again. Finding the loves and the part of yourself you gave away to make room for another's. I don't think people contemplate much of what is traded in such an intimate relationship. We all have soul pieces that we lose when we are deeply wounded or deeply connected to another, even when that connection fades. Those parts of ourselves, we have to rediscover and recollect to be whole, after any great loss. Maybe you might find someone who helps you do that, but that is a rarity.

I can go out and date with a plan. It's all fun and games until someone ends up taking me by surprise. I was just looking for a good time. Why do I feel like this? I don't know when that next "one" is going to be placed in my life. But with out my own soul pieces back, how can I really give my heart. Once you are involved with someone else how do you have time to rediscover yourself? You're discovering something else new. It might be something you will enjoy, but is it genuinely you?  You will never know without that much needed break to stare yourself in the mirror. Allowing for cathartic moments that pave way for something new.

I might be unique in the sense that I enjoy my alone time. I enjoy thoughts untainted by others opinions and prejudices. My mind is a machine that never goes out of service, just a little sideways. But I also enjoy the challenge of others. I do long for the touch of another's skin against mine. But I'm a treasure, like true treasures, it isn't encountered by many. So if I just go all willy-nilly in my needs for sexual healing and ego validation, how is it I'm treasuring myself? If I want to be treated like the uniquely intelligent, nurturing, sexy woman I am. I sure can't, not use my mind to reason through the maze of single, uncertain new beginnings. I better pamper myself and nurture my own heart before another's. Truly, there is nothing sexy about a woman who has no sense of self love or worth.

I'm a genuinely sexual woman. I like all kinds of kinky and naughty things. But I also know that it's not meant for all men. I'm not chumming the water with my sexual prowess in hopes a shark will stay. I don't need someone to let me know I'm still young, beautiful, and worth getting to know. If a man can't figure that out on his own, he doesn't deserve the prize inside. If I'm the treasure I think I am, I'm damn well going to make you work to find the key. Only a special person deserves to unlock my box.

If you are newly getting out a long term relationship, please be kind to yourself and be honest. There is nothing wrong with you if you decide to opt out. You never need another person to validate your worth. You are uniquely you and worth loving the way you want and deserve.