Folding is not an option

Right now, on this very night I want to fold like a deck of cards. I've made my share of mistakes, I've done things that are not very graceful. But tonight, I feel like, Why? Why? Why? Do I care about someone who doesn't give a fuck. Why do I have to understand everyone else? No one cares to understand me. I'm foolish in thinking I meant something, could help others. I can't even see when I'm being played. 

I want to abandon my cards, I want to shut down all sight and sound. I want to block out everyone else and I just want to be in myself. I don't want to give to anyone else. I'm tired of feeling everyone else's joy and pain. I just want to be a clueless self centered Bitch. Yes, as sad as that sounds, it's so simple and shallow. Let's not pretend there is an award for having depth. In this world, only what is eye deep counts. 

I knew, I saw, I ignored and now I'm trying to vent because I'm pissed at what I already knew. What a gift! What a wonderful, stupid, heart breaking gift! Most people don't know until it hit's them, nothing like seeing it and not believing because you are too optimistic, too stupid or just too blind to believe it. 

The only truly giving person I have known is my mom. She's gone now. So my belief in those who do selflessly is pretty thin. That is a dying gift. My part in that has quickly been tainted. It used to feel so good to love people just for the joy. But the world is so full of takers. Those who don't appreciate what is in their face. Those who will drain you until you have nothing left to give even yourself. 

I played with fire, and it's my own fault I got burned. There is one other person who could make me feel different, and even he is busy tonight. Too busy for a "Hey, hope all is well." But knowing me I talk too much and would want to talk more than he wants to speak to me. We all know men don't know how to say "I'm kinda busy, but I wanted you to know we can catch up later."