Under Construction

Sorry if my blog looks crazy for a bit. I'm trying to update it.

Thank you!

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The Impending Betrayal

I've created new and deeper boundaries for myself recently. Part of those boundaries was cutting individuals out of my life and making peace with situations at hand. My Ex-husband and I are separated, yet we cohabitate depending on the day of the week and his situation. I know it's odd. That situation is dissolving very, very soon. I was guided to stay still so I have and now as the world unfolds, so does my situation.

I used to feel like I had to explain myself, why. Honestly, it's no one's damn business and if you want to judge me, that's none of my business. I can't do anything about another's thoughts. Besides the point of why I'm writing this. There was someone so close to my heart, but I realized I cared more than this individual did. Once I ended up in a situation in such great turmoil and I couldn't even get a "How are you doing?" Let's just say it was a real eye opener. I'm not angry about it, but I've definitely cut them out my life for the time being. 

This leads me to my current spread. Today for the first time in a while I was compelled to look at their situation. What I saw coming absolutely breaks my heart. In the past I would have written and gave some warning, but it's not my place. Every fiber of my being wants to scream "WATCH OUT!! Danger ahead." They created the terms of our one way relationship. Now all I can do is pray and hope for the best. 

This is the reading. 

The current situation is based on the Judgement in reverse, meaning the constant deliberation of the major decision at hand is causing missed opportunities.  The Challenge of the High Priestess is changes need to be made, not hearing her wisdom will force a situation that free will is no longer and option. The only thing left will be the consequences of indecision. These consequences typically are more uncomfortable than the original situation in which would let you make changes at greater ease. 

In the past the alluring and hopeful Star presented as the "Good Idea" fairy, which lead to this very place of indecision you are residing. While the Star is a wishes fulfilled card, it is more idealistic than practical when it's energies are played out alone. The recent fading situation is signified by the Seven of Cups, the seeking of pleasure has derailed you from where you really want to be. Leading to fantasy and confusion. 

Without taking action on the situation the best outcome is the 2 of Wands, living by what is known or taking a risk. The clarification of this is highlighted by the 5 of Pentacles, showing life will continue to be challenging, run or walk it's up to you. Along with the 6 of Swords, shows there is nothing you can do besides move forward. 

The hardest part of the reading for me is what is next, the immediate future, things we usually can't do anything about, because they are already in play. The Devil, it indicates individuals that want to just use. This is highlighted by the Judgement and 7 of Cups across from it. The clarifications come in with the Knight of Cups, intense passion and 5 of Swords, pleasure at any cost. When you combine the Judgement with Knight of Cups it can create life changing situations, and not in the good way. They are unintentional.

The desire or outward self is wanting security and stability shown by the 10 of Pentacles. But the inward self or environment is in detriment with the 3 of Cups in reverse. This speaks to me about feeling lonely and isolated. Not having a sense of community. The fear here is the 7 of Swords, not wanting to be deceived. The immediate future highlights the outcome, The Tower. Sudden and complete destruction. Clarified by the 8 of Pentacles in reverse, working so hard the bigger picture is missed. Along with the Ace of Swords in reverse, utter chaos and confusion. 

The other energies in the reading show there will be a move physical move 6 of Swords and Tower. The Knight of Cups with the Tower also shows the intense nature of changes that will occur. The Seven of Swords with the Devil shows this situation will allow a break from dependency cycles. The Devil with the 5 of Pentacles express the depths of selfishness, abandonment of principles in the pursuit of pleasure and desire. The Star with the Tower allows you to use your intuition and view the situation as a good thing in the long run. This may all be painful but the highlight is with the Seven of Swords with the Star shows you are about to expand your consciousness, setting out to find growth and knowledge. 

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Window Dressings of the Soul

Growing up the decor of my house was typical of most kids born in the 70's. A large stucco ranch house with orange shag carpets, standard track home fecal brown kitchen cabinets, and verdant curtains. Aww yes, the hideous window dressings. If you drove by my house you might have thought that my mom was hip or chic'... or she just had really odd taste in decor.  From looking at the outside of my house one thing you would never see was the bellicose current running through it. My house was a battle ground. My father was the Dictator, General, all mighty... the Omnipotent, well according to him. 

Reflecting as an adult I realized that we each have our own window dressings. The curtains that we wear to cover our truth, hiding the amassed pain that encompasses our soul. Each layer needs to peel away for us to see the divine light of our soul. For my father, there was no coping with his tumor ripe with disappointment and disillusion. He hoarded every negative experience until the point that love could barely live in his heart. Dealing with people in everyday settings became and inconvenience. Hell I'll go as far as to say for him life in general was an inconvenience. 

My father took everything personally so every slight in his life was a direct attack on him and his self-worth. If he had only decided to view things differently he might have lived in a light of love; instead he choose to live in a valley of solitude and darkness. His window dressings probably looked "Hot Rod" flames, not cause he was cool but because they would actually burn down anything that came close. Personally I changed my curtains on a regular basis, because he was always burn them down. 

One day I looked in the mirror and I saw him looking back at me. That was when I realized that I was allowing the plaque of anger to clog the arteries of my soul. Living with purpose, loving even the most annoying things in my life allowed my soul to start shining in a way I have never known. Viewing other negative individuals with compassion instead of dread. You can't expect others to just accept the light you try and shine in their lives. They have to see it for what it is and want to receive your gifts. 

I've learned that some individuals curtains are like iron. They choose to not allow your light or theirs to permeate through. This doesn't mean that I should stop trying it just means that I need to continue being an example of light and love. If I'm doing it free of my own ego then there is no reason for me to take it personal or as a rejection. It isn't about me. Unconditional love and acceptance comes from extending to others with out expectations of anything in return. 

So far I'm actually finding letting things go so much easier than holding on to them. It was very hard at first, but when you start checking your ego at the door it becomes effortless. The destiny of my soul is to be of service of others. And in order to fulfill that purpose I must shed all ego centered things. It's the only way to truly see.... I AM.

"Rise up and free yourself now and for always from the domination of your personality, with its self-inflated and self-glorifying mind and intellect.

For your mind henceforth must be Your servant, and the intellect Your slave, if My Word is to penetrate to your Soul conciousness which I have quickened expressly in preparation for the reception of My Word.

Now, if you are strong enough to bear it;

If you can put asside all your private personal fancies, beliefs and opinions, which are but the rubbish you have gathered from the dumping grounds of others;

If you are strong enough to cast them all away;-

Then My Word will be to you a source of endless Joy and Blessing."

Joseph S. Benner - The Impersonal Life 

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Progress

I haven't written in a while, so I thought I should get back to it. Things have changed a lot in my house. Calm is no longer elusive. Der and I have found a way to get along and change the type of relationship that we have. The kids are doing better in school and I'm not irritated with him just in my presence.

This change isn't because of something he has done, it comes from me no longer engaging in the frivolous power struggles. More than anything it's come from me just letting crap go. I've been working more on trusting my instincts and using the cards less. My vision has become clearer, sharper and more accurate than ever. Because I have let go of the people and things that were fogging up my sight I've found a new way to operate. 

I've found my self jolted at times from impressions of individuals that I have tried to put in my past. This weekend brought renewal of faith in my gifts. Working with one young woman I was able to tell her where I saw he fathers cancer. She confirmed the area I saw was were the doctors think his cancer originated. It seems that a particular person is a fast acting catalyst for me. When I'm working things out about this individual I get sudden development of clear sight. 

I've also found a wonderful new board where I have been giving out lots of readings and the feedback is amazing. I never realized how different my reading style is from other individuals. I'm direct, but compassionate and nurturing. This is a good thing to know. It helps me define who and how I work. 

Tomorrow is a big day. The Solar Eclipse is going to bring new light into the world and with it major changes. That means there will be some chaos as well, you have to have a catalyst for change. But placing your faith in a higher place will bring you through the times ahead. 

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Libra Sun/ Scorpio Moon..All Me Heart and Soul

Libra Sun Scorpio Moon

"Her Illumination: Sexual."

"Her dark side: Baffling."

This lady is something of a novelty. She's a very different sort of woman. Normally sweet tempered and calm, she's very affected by her Moon and can be one of the most irascible of the Zodiac. Her temper is memorable, mostly, because she's usually so nice. It seems odd for her to screech about. She's many a man's delight as she is very focused on romance and sex. 

She has a sexuality that can take over even the most logical and temperate of men. This sexual expression of hers is the combination of a spiritual union and the force and energy of a tidal wave. She's pure fantasy, romance, and candlelight. And then, raw and earthy passion. Never quite sure of what you mean to her, you'll keep coming back for more. Is it physical or cosmic? Are you the only one that makes her feel that way, or would telephone sex work as well? I'm going to let you figure that one out for yourself. It's not fair for me to tell all her secrets.

She's also talented, but not in the usual business ways. She's a researcher, an investigator, a soldier or a spy. I told you right up front she was a novelty, so if you're expecting a lover in the general sense look elsewhere. She'll be a baffling co-partner; she'll barely notice you one day and put you under the microscope the next. The children will receive the same sort of treatment. She's consistent about this: she's never dull, always exciting, exotic and alluring. 

If she pursues you, you'll find yourself in her fragile spider's web. It's going to take some doing to get yourself out. If you're a Scorpio, Cancer or Taurus, you'll like the weaving. The Virgos think she's the perfect answer to counterbalance an ordered day, but don't have the stamina for her long term. She's usually attracted to the Sagittarius and they aren't good for each other."

Taken from The Book of Lovers by Carolyn Reynolds.

One last note, as much as a burden my moon can be, I love it. Why? Because no one is a mystery such as myself. Few enjoy the depths that most have to go to in order to know me. Even those who think they do, have yet to scratch the surface. You will never know everything until I choose to let you in. And in all my years only my Ex had been even close to knowing all, but despite time even he doesn't. Hence why he is my Ex. Not to be difficult, but loyalty and change are a must. And you must be up to the challenge. 

When you cross me or test me, depending on the nerve you hit, will determine your place in my life. I love deeply and intensely but you shut me out in a way I can't understand you will become the dust beneath my feet. "What's your name again?" Yeah don't remember you. Guess you were as important as I was to you. 

I hate dealing with those who can't voice their needs. If you need something new, change.. If I love you I will be  more than willing to give it to you. So if you wonder how I feel. Look at how much I'm willing to sacrifice of myself. If you don't get it after that, you aren't paying attention. I'm shrewd and sharped tongued at times, but I will balance it out with acceptance and understanding. Just be faithful and loyal to me. Loyal in your friendship and faithful in your words. I won't expect what you don't put out. 

Libra in balancing, but Scorpio through my emotional state. I'm fair, emotional first, but even more sexual and sensual. Meaning if you piss me off, I'll get even. It might mean you think things are ok because I'm willing to get down and dirty. But in my mind, it's my last bit of revenge. I'll grudge fuck the hell out of you. But know you will never talk or know me again.

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Faith, Today and Beyond

Have you ever wondered why you have to go through certain experiences? Well I'm back to the theme of patience. When is the lesson ever going to end? I get it, I need to have more of it. All these holding patterns on an action oriented person is stifling. I feel like the 'Hanged Man' day in and day out. Always observing and watching, but never able to act upon.

I've been told and seen, but even then I try to work my own wants and will. It doesn't end up well. Even though I know better, I just hope that it will work out. Nope! Not gonna happen. All that happens is I become extremely frustrated. I feel like the guy in the song "The man who can't be moved", you want someone to come and find you, but they aren't meant to. Accepting your broken heart and hoping things will change is all that you can do. This is the path I've chosen. I hate it but I have to deal.

All I know is if God is supposed to provide better, then I have spectacular things ahead!  I need to maintain as his faithful servant and know that it is all for the best. No one said it was easy or I wouldn't have to grieve a loss I didn't expect to have.

'Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place the we'd meet
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street

So I'm not moving
I'm not moving

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Crazy Writers Block

It's been a while since I last blogged. I've suffered from a horrible case of writers block. Nothing like having so much to say, then it all runs out your head. Trying to be patient and find inspiration has been difficult. Once again I'm back in a theme of patience. Ehhh...

Another think I have struggled with lately is knowing when someone is not being honest with you. As much as I try and not know things, I still know. It can cause a great amount of hurt and sadness. I've taken the stance that it isn't my business why the person has chosen to be deceitful. People typically only lie when they feel like they are in a position where it is needed. Even if the reason doesn't make sense to others. So more patience is needed in this situation.

Hopefully my writers block lifts soon. I feel like I'm letting myself down.

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