The New Norm

Well folks, here we are toting masks along like it's Halloween night, every night we are in public. Did you ever think growing up, "Hey! I wanna wear a mask in public, every interaction" as a child? Not fucking one of us EVER!!! 

With this weird new world we have realities of public figures we never knew existed. We have new ways of being involved with each other. We have new perspectives of how the world really works. W-E-L-C-O-M-E to Uranus's influence in 2020. Buckle up buttercup, we are going to keep seeing rebellion in our way of life until the middle of 2021. Yup, hate to be the bearer of bad news but this isn't even half over yet. If Brittany Spears in 2007 could be a time period, we are living it!!!

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Faith

Faith. Let's talk about that word. Faith is a funny thing. For some they live by it. Others, find it to be the elusive mythical unicorn. Me, I couldn’t imagine my life without it. In the hardest part of my life, where I needed things most, I quit my job on faith. I heard, "This is the time. You need to move on." So I did. I didn’t quit my job just to be rebellious. I was given an ultimatum. If you don’t know much about me, the biggest thing, I’m a single mom. My kids are my heart and life. There needs will always come before my own.

Where I was working, they couldn’t allow me to come in at 8:30 for a month. It was just until my support system could help more. I would have had a more help financially. So I said, I’m over being used and abused, not getting support after the craziness I endured.

It"s the best thing I ever did in my life. I hated interviewing. I hated the process I had to constantly go with and through. At some point I realized I was interviewing jobs myself. I refused to end up in a place that I didn’t belong. Then I was given a job I enjoy and didn’t have to take home. I never feel like I have to worry about what is waiting for me the next day. I have so much more energy to lend to my creativity and other people. My mind is not spinning in emotional places that I can’t fix. I’m my own person.

Faith....that I would end up where I belong, helped me let go. I handed it all over and I was heard. I didn’t hand it over halfway. I dove knee deep and just said “ do what you want!" I mean, let's be honest, the universe does anyway. And what I got in return for my trust and belief was and is amazing.

It isn’t about proving faith works. I learned that I can’t always control everything. If I trust what is meant for me, I will end up in a very different place. But most of all, I learned I am truly being taken care of every minute of every day. I just have to believe in what isn’t certain. That is the hardest part. Just take that leap and believeing you will end up where you belong. Truth is, we cut ourselves short by not believing in the same thing that brought us and carried us into the world. Our very being should be enough to know someone or something is looking out.

Life is not perfect by any means. It's messy and sometime heart breaking. But it's also very giving and nurturing when you give in to the urge to be in charge. I'm proud of my story, not because I'm special, but because I earnestly handed it all over. I did what I spoke. I walked my talk. For over 3 months of my life, I survived on faith alone. If I had to change it all over again, I wouldn't change a fucking thing.

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We’re all on a journey in this life. Each of us may have a different purpose, values, beliefs and backgrounds. My mission is to align the likeness that unite us, versus the differences that divide us. I want to hear your truth. In being anonymous and open, facing the places that make you feel most open and vulnerable; I hope to help you heal. This is week 1.

Please feel free and open to share your following:

1. The first time you felt obligated to uphold a tradition in which you didn't believe or felt judged because you deviated from your families norm.

2. The first time your realized you didn't understand why your family was so hard or judgmental of other's traditions, wondering why there difference was so upsetting. I'm not looking for reason, I'm looking for what was observed.

Please feel free to send me a message me in comments or to the left in contact me.

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Shame on me

I think back to last year and the year before. My ex, he told me I was wrong for not wanting to put a tree up. I know I have kids, but my mom had been dead for three months. Three months, like grief just disappears in that time. My mom was my best friend, my lifeline to sanity and the world. I had gotten rid of everything in her house and PCS'd to Colorado. My whole childhood and every good and ugly memory in that house, summed up in a few days. All to keep our family supposedly whole. Like a tornado hadn't ripped through my life and stolen the foundation on which I stood.

I took care of my mom and my 3 kids all by myself. My mom was on hospice and end of life care was a slavemaster demanding the last of my strength. It was so hard to ask my 13 year old to watch her while I went to the store or whatever other errand I had. It got to the point that I wasn't even comfortable not being awake while she slept. I cleaned her bedsores. I changed and sponged bathed her. I held her hand until her last breath. And after all of that I was supposed to have the heart to put up a plastic tree, in good spirits.

What kind of husband denies your grief and puts his needs of a holiday first. Yes, he was leaving for Kuwait, but I had been there through dangerous deployments. Too many, to his second home, Iraq. I've really needed him to the point I couldn't function on my own twice. When I was pregnant with the twins and when my mother was dying. Both times he let me down.

The first time he was having an affair with a woman which he had an illegitimate child. The second he was knee deep in his military career. I never professed to be the perfect wife, but I was there when he felt all else forsook him. I was there even when he ignored me and found comfort in the bottle and women. I fought to get him help, to save his career; hell, to save himself. All I got in return was a request for pillows and a blanket in the sand. Left alone to raise 3 kids alone in a new place. How dare I ask for him to miss this deployment to Kuwait.

I had asked to separate so many times. My resolve wavering. I can't tell you how many soldiers wished their wife took the time to understand their plight. They dreamed of a home that missed and longed for them. Mine, he decided burying himself in a married soldier would fill the void. Funny how that works. Soldiers complain about wives cheating, wives complain about soldiers cheating. Maybe the Army is full of ungrateful asses. Or maybe ungrateful asses fill the ranks of soldiers.

Then again according to others I should just be glad my husband provided. I shouldn't expect emotional or other support from him. How do I know these people again?

So my fun ex has a new chick, again. I'm happy for him. Truly I am, I just want him to know that I will never feel sorry for him once this broad takes him for what he has left. He didn't learn from the woman who admitted to taking a condom out the garbage. He didn't learn from the married woman who's husband was in his old unit. He will never learn. And I'm glad as hell I don't have to be attached to such a person anymore.

My ex isn't a bad person, he's a lost person. One that I can't help, nor is it my job. Even after all this heartbreak, I know this is not the person he wanted to be. It was the person he accepted and became. Someone who asked his grieving wife to put up a Christmas tree. When she didn't have the emotional wherewithal was told shame on you.

Well guess what the father of my children, my ex best friend from before we could drink legally... I salute you with a high flying bird. One that craps on your head and reminds you how life will be once you no longer have cover from the rain. Yes, even if it is raining bird shit.

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The Christmas Blues

This year has been a rough one. Physically, I've been injured for a long time. Emotionally, well I have no idea how I'm still going. Doing readings is either feast or famine. Now that I'm off crutches and don't have physical therapy 3 days a week I've been job searching. It hasn't been easy. I have 3 kids to clothe and feed in the middle of this divorce. I definitely have the Christmas blues.

I know that coming out the other end I will be ok, but just getting it all back together is the struggle. I've allowed my kids dad to them on Christmas. This will be the first year I have not spent with them. I'm trying to keep my head high and not let the holidays zap what's left of my motivation.

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Winds of Change

My mom used to tell me that I should never start anything new in the last 3 months before my birthday. I never really understood until this past year. Just like the seasons are cyclic, so are we. Those last three months are the burning down period, or the equivalent to winter. The first three months after your birthday are your spring. Time to plant your seeds. Time to ride the winds of change.

My birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I can feel it.  It's been building over the past few weeks, like an antsy Thoroughbred at the racing gate. I wake up with a huge smile on my face. Go through my day doing my tasking with love and joy. Oh those winds, swirling around my feet, whipping my hair, whispering to me... soon.

It doesn't matter what I'm doing through my day I can feel the shift occurring around me. Living in gratitude, I have all I need. This year is supposed be pivotal for my future. The foundation for future success. I truly believe it, because I have a great love for my solitude, respect for the lessons and challenges I've been facing. The same things that would set the stress meter on high barely make a blip on the radar.

That balance that seemed to allude me is starting to creep it's way into complete understanding. The things I'm shown are not always for reveling to others, but to give me a greater understanding of what is going on. It's showing me not to take it personal. Telling me now, you have given, now it's time to stop acting and be an observer.

Looking back over the past couple years, the same sensation was in the air, but they were caused more fear based emotions. This year because I have changed the way I view my challenges and the purpose for them, that wind is welcomed. I don't have great expectation in the traditional sense, my expectations are more about embracing the ride before me.

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It's All In Your Head

The mind is a powerful tool that can be used for good or evil. This is true when it comes to your self talk as well. I love doing readings, shedding light in the dark recesses my clients hide from. The only draw back, for some it creates anxiety instead allowing healing. That hamster gets running and a new crop of issues appear out of nowhere. They are perceived failures and what if's that haven't even occurred. The point of being given the information is not to worry, but to use it as a tool to make better decisions.

This morning I woke up super early, like a quarter to 4 early. When I say wide awake I mean like I literally just popped up. My body felt like dancing, who needs coffee when life is flowing along. Not even 10 minutes into my feel good,  a surge came in and I felt like yelling, "NO!! The information given to you was not for that purpose, stop that crap!!" I was like I feed someone's hamster information amphetamines. Totally running out of control at warp speed. The epitome of the Nine of Swords, the looping mind.

I had someone tell me one time, "well all the things I was worried about happened, so I had a right to be worried." It was hard to stifle the scoff that was about to come out. This is where the Law of Intention and the Law of Attraction come in. Yes, I'm sure they did happen, because this individuals thoughts manifested those worries into their life.

Worries are like Gizmo in the movie Gremlins. He's small, soft and gentle, but feed him after midnight, those thoughts are replicating at a dangerous rate with a vicious twist. Do yourselves a favor when the mind starts to loop, mindfully turn your thoughts to a positive place. Pull the hamster off the wheel and go to sleep. I used to be a late night worrier, but I realized I missed sleep and nothing was solved. Meditating and allowing them to flow instead of you moving them around is so much healthier. It allows for release and intuition to become your guide.

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