One of the hardest things for me as a tarot reader is just giving the information and letting go of the end result. Some readers learn how to read the cards by memorizing. I use the cards because it's what's expected. Most of the information I get is not directly from the cards by what I'm told or shown. When what I hear or see is unclear, the cards can help decipher the messages.
I've always said that I would never tell anyone about death, the only one who knows when our time is up, is the one who created all. This was a specific boundary for me. I don't believe in telling the future. I believe in telling you all the energies that are present in your life, some you can change and others you can not. Either way, the client has free will to choose how they want to deal with the situations.
Well my boundaries have been flexed overtime since my ex is out my life. Last weekend I was called to do a reading that seemed like normal. But when I got to the reading I had a message for someone else at the location. It was the first time I had seen, without a shadow of a doubt, death if a change was not made. The person who it was for had a deep addiction that was physically manifesting and causing the individual to switch to an even worse addiction. To compile the problem this person was a sensitive.
Lot's of people with the gift to feel others, see what most would call crazy, have addiction problems. It's a way to try and cope with the wave of constant incoming energy and information. It over loads your emotions and senses. So they drink or use drugs as a way to escape the excess stimulation. The flip side of such coping is you draw negative energy toward you because your vibration is so low. This is where the term "low life" came from. I'm not one to get all new-age-y and talk about vibrations, but the truth is everything is matter, vibrating at a certain rate. Matter is never created or destroyed, it's just transformed from one state to another.
I didn't tell this individual that they would die, although that was the message, but I did stress the importance of making changes now. It was the warning that the threshold has not been crossed, and now was the time to act. I spoke in terms of chemical responses to the brain and healing that had to take place for the brain chemistry to go back to normal. I spoke of how it wasn't just a physical response. The relief they were looking for came from a spiritual place. I gave them tools, explaining psychic protection; I told them I would help cleanse the energies continuing to attach themselves and even hold their hand through detox. You don't charge people in that dire of straights. How can you call yourself a healer? Others may disagree, but in a situation like that, I was called by one and obviously meant for another.
So it's a week later, I haven't heard from this person and I haven't received any interference. Meaning, I get poked with messages and dreams if I ignore what I'm being told. This was squarely on the individual. It's hard to just detach myself from such a sad situation, they're a single parent. But I brought my message, I offered what I could and now I just have to be ok with it.
Now ,enter another situation. This has been the most frustrating, emotionally charged, complicated, relationship I have ever dealt with. It started in a odd way. I thought it ended in an odd way. Yet, it's still not done. It's like a period of rest. For me it's a pain in the ass. I find my self having to give messages and be patient with things I would never normally deal with. But it taught me and brought me to what I do now. This person also has choices to make, and for some reason I'm constantly having to tell and nudge. The destiny for this person is greater than my ego and hurt feelings. I remind myself of this over and over. You want to talk about humbling.
Let me tell you, every time I have a dream, I want scream, "WHY ME?" The whole dynamic makes me crazy. But I was brought to this place and point, like everything else I do, I have to trust this is for a reason. They don't understand it and neither do I, but it is what it is. I want to detach myself from the outcome in this situation as well. But the one thing about this situation, I keep acquiring tools as time goes on. It's less personal. It just doesn't make me feel any less crazy.
It's like I get slices of things to show as a proof of life, so I can yell "Now get your ass back on the path!" But the flip side is I've learned how to love this person in a way that is truly unique. It's pure, I don't need their love in return, I don't need to know what's going on in their life. I just radiate love. It feels good to wake up and send love in that direction. So maybe that is part of my path. To learn to love with out possessing or wanting. I love them for the shear joy I get from sending love to them. It's allowed me to do that with all the relationships in my life. I wake up with joy and I go to sleep with the same joy.
Update: I had something's happen tonight and I realized, just because I'm open doesn't mean that I have to listen. I don't want to deal with this anymore, not like this. I should have more of a say over my space. They are my dream's, thought's, my everything. There shouldn't be a penalty for not going along like a good girl. I'm tired of feeling like I'm left to other's whim's. As much as I have learned, screw this, I don't want to be a slave or just an end to fit the means. If they don't get what they are supposed to do, I can't and won't own that. Too bad for their self-centered butt. I have other crap to do. You have something to share and offer the world, you don't want to do it, that's on you. I refuse to own that.
For me, stress is a thing of the past. My load has gotten a lot lighter. I wish I would have just trusted everything would be ok and stop trying to make it alright. It wasn't alright, matter of fact I'm pretty sure I made it worse. Bottom line I owned someone else's issues and didn't do what was best for myself.
Since learning that very life changing and painful lesson. I don't need anymore encouragement in the letting it go area. I've let everything go. I came to a place of peace and it is so liberating. All that energy in worrying about this, that and other. Nah, totally over it.
Now, before you think I'm having some post-marital psychotic break, just hear me out. When I was first married I was foot loose and fancy free, as I have been all my life. The one trait that anyone predating my marriage would tell you, I was fearless and full of optimism. My friends used to think I was crazy, because I would run or roller blade 10 miles to work. If the world kicked me, I would shake it off and say the world kicked like a sissy.
I stayed that way until my pregnancy with the twins. Then suddenly life seemed so much heavier. More responsibility meant less of me to go around. As time wore by, my shine dimmed. That place that made me happy seemed to shift. It wasn't all the responsibility that degraded my happiness, it was my need to shoulder it on my own. I stopped doing what made me resilient all my youth; I handed it over to something higher than myself. I had a better perspective of what I could and couldn't control as a child than as an adult.
So I wake up in the morning, I chose to think about the things that I have to take care of, but not worry about them. I drive with my sunroof open, windows down, hair whipping in the wind as I sing to any given tune that makes me smile. When I stop at a red light, I flash a great big smile at the driver next to me, spreading the joy. You know what happens, they smile back. People have always talked to me unsolicited, but now it's doubled. I'm positive it's because the smile I wear constantly.
Happiness is not something you wait for, or are given. It is some thing you have to decide. I'm a contractor so I don't get paid every two weeks. I get paid after submitting an invoice and waiting 30 days. Well the company I contract for screwed up the payment process so my pay would be almost 3 weeks behind. I didn't stress and start going into a panic attack I just kept saying I trust it will be alright. This will get handled. I went about my business, stayed positive and happy. Guess what showed up in the mail 3 days later than the normal time, not 3 weeks. Yup, my check.
Everything else in my life might run short at some point. But 3 things never do Love, Optimism, and Faith. These things fuel my soul. Happiness is a choice. Everyday I choose nothing less than happiness.
So I didn't think I have much left in me tonight. But I'm excited, full of happiness and joy for others. I have so many people I care about expanding and achieving so it makes me so joyous!! Our souls natural state is to constantly grow. God, the creator, who ever you think is in charge didn't make you to be stagnate. They wanted us to expand, not waist wise, but soulfully.
Everyday we are challenged, by our circumstances, by our situations or other things we never imagined. The point is all the same, just open your heart and believe that if he created your beautiful self he will take care of you. That doubting mind is oh so human, but trust, what will you lose.
The world is so full of uncertainties. What you will go through if x and y aren't met. But if you give it all away. Believe you are loved in a way that you aren't used to, one that is unfamiliar you will be ok. This doesn't mean be foolish and spend reckless amounts of money. It means when things get hard and blind, give blindly and trust in the thing that was great enough to form every working cell in your body. Know your life has purpose.
God is amazing if you really give him time, get to know him. He has a unique design for you. A beautifully complicated plot that you can play lead. All you have to is B-E-L-I-E-V-E in his all knowing ways.
I've written a bit about my divorce and the choice I've made to spend time in redeveloping myself. Beyond saying I want to romance myself, I never really got into the reasons why. The obvious reasons are my children. I don't want them to think that relationships are a revolving door; one leaves another person enters. The other factor is I don't want anyone around my kids that don't have their best interest at heart. They are sacred to me, like all sacred things only a few get to experience their presence.
The reason outside my kids is me, why I got married and will engage in another soulful relationship. First, I'm not the bitter "all men are dogs and liars" kind of woman. Everyone is judged on their own merit. I know I will find and love again. But then again, maybe that is the Libra in me, in love with the thought and sensation of love. Everyone marries for different reasons. Some for companionship, others financial and security reasons, me it's all about the L-O-V-E. There is nothing like someone who knows your thoughts without you speaking them. That soulful connection that let's you know it's you and them against the world. Bring it, because we are unshakeable.
So when I think about dating, I think about meeting new people and trying new things. But the problem with most after divorce, we are chumming the waters with our dignity and self esteem. Most people don't get out of a marriage without the typical dents and dings of "what was wrong with me." Dates that consist of validating we still have it, equate to disaster. Why? Because we want proof that we are still worthy of loving, still young enough to turn heads, whatever the "thing" is we need to still feel relevant and have something to offer. Placing our worth in someone else's hands is always a set up for failure. Everyone doesn't do it, but it does happen for many. Most don't even realize that's what's silently going on.
When I think of marriage, I see two souls becoming one. In order to do so you have to take part of your own soul and give it to another. So what happens to those soul pieces once they are discarded by divorce? Time is needed to collect each piece you gave away. That means healing and making what was given whole again. Finding the loves and the part of yourself you gave away to make room for another's. I don't think people contemplate much of what is traded in such an intimate relationship. We all have soul pieces that we lose when we are deeply wounded or deeply connected to another, even when that connection fades. Those parts of ourselves, we have to rediscover and recollect to be whole, after any great loss. Maybe you might find someone who helps you do that, but that is a rarity.
I can go out and date with a plan. It's all fun and games until someone ends up taking me by surprise. I was just looking for a good time. Why do I feel like this? I don't know when that next "one" is going to be placed in my life. But with out my own soul pieces back, how can I really give my heart. Once you are involved with someone else how do you have time to rediscover yourself? You're discovering something else new. It might be something you will enjoy, but is it genuinely you? You will never know without that much needed break to stare yourself in the mirror. Allowing for cathartic moments that pave way for something new.
I might be unique in the sense that I enjoy my alone time. I enjoy thoughts untainted by others opinions and prejudices. My mind is a machine that never goes out of service, just a little sideways. But I also enjoy the challenge of others. I do long for the touch of another's skin against mine. But I'm a treasure, like true treasures, it isn't encountered by many. So if I just go all willy-nilly in my needs for sexual healing and ego validation, how is it I'm treasuring myself? If I want to be treated like the uniquely intelligent, nurturing, sexy woman I am. I sure can't, not use my mind to reason through the maze of single, uncertain new beginnings. I better pamper myself and nurture my own heart before another's. Truly, there is nothing sexy about a woman who has no sense of self love or worth.
I'm a genuinely sexual woman. I like all kinds of kinky and naughty things. But I also know that it's not meant for all men. I'm not chumming the water with my sexual prowess in hopes a shark will stay. I don't need someone to let me know I'm still young, beautiful, and worth getting to know. If a man can't figure that out on his own, he doesn't deserve the prize inside. If I'm the treasure I think I am, I'm damn well going to make you work to find the key. Only a special person deserves to unlock my box.
If you are newly getting out a long term relationship, please be kind to yourself and be honest. There is nothing wrong with you if you decide to opt out. You never need another person to validate your worth. You are uniquely you and worth loving the way you want and deserve.
I've spent some really boring moments on my butt lately. Having a torn ACL and meniscus means I don't get around much. Someone thought it was a bad idea to give me crutches because of my dislocated elbow and fractured humerus. Yeah, when I get hurt, I get really hurt. I was really mad at first, anything that restricts my freedom enrages me. Part of my rebellious nature, no one is going to tell me what I can and can't do. This is why I think this happened in the first place. Kinda like the universe put me on a time out. It's the only way I would have been forced to stop and make a plan. If you know me, then you know I do best flying by the seat of my pants. Not saying that planning is bad, I just know life never goes as planned.
Since my forced time out, I've reflected on the things I want, how to get them and who I am, minus the 220lbs that I just left my life. I came across a book my mom had on numerology. I've never really played with numerology. I have much respect for it. I believe in the trinity and divine number 7. Everything has a vibration to it, even numbers. While playing around with the concepts, I've learned that my twins and I both have Master Number 22 and my oldest Master Number 11 as a life path.
When I learned about what Master Number 22 was all about, I had an "ah ha" moment. The very concept of 22 is bringing dreams into reality. Taking from above and creating here on earth. Anyone who knows me knows if I want something, I find a way to get it, no matter what it is. It's kind of a trademark of mine. It annoys some because I don't have to work hard for it, and it's seen as wasted talent. For me, it does make me a bit lazy. I just always saw it as luck.
The more I read about this Master Number I learned it comes with great potential but also causes a bit of stress. Expectations of yourself become a point of contention in the sense of failure. You're set up for success but something inside of you is scared to death. The fear you will fail. Yes, that fun bit of perfectionism can really do a number on your self esteem in terms of failing. The more I read I realized this is the same thing as my Saturn trine Neptune. Saturn in 7th and Neptune in 10th, both angular houses.
Saturn trine Neptune is the aspect that makes dreams come true, all you need is to have faith and hard work. Well Hot Damn! Two different systems with the same aspects. I remember being looked at crazy when I would tell people I believed anything was possible, just imagine it. These aspects also come with a flip side. If you see things in the negative that is what you will receive. A gift and a curse. The vibration of the mind no matter what state it is in, will manifest a tangible outcome.
I'm going to have knee surgery soon. That means several more months down. Oh well, gives me plenty of time to think about all the things I would like to create. Being in this bad relationship had sucked the creativity out of me. The funny thing I read about Master Number 22, on the lower end I would "... slip into the depths obscurity, achieving little more than personal support." That is exactly what my marriage did, made me the personal advisor to an ungrateful individual. If I have to spend months on my arse in order to realize the higher end of my potential again, so be it.
I've entered and am exiting a rather confusing time. The next phase of my life is beginning and I thought that someone else was supposed to come along. God gave us free will so that we can grow. Although I know and recognize the past and the future we are supposed to create, it's oaky that the other party doesn't. That is joy of free will. Each, in our own time, in our own way.
I understand the point of the circumstance, soul recognition goes beyond our eyes and normal social standings. The point is to challenge us to something new, so that our souls grow. Growth has no boundaries, no norms, no comforts, just truths. If you don't learn this life, you have plenty of other chances. The hardest part of living an earthly life for some is letting go of material, earthly ways of validation. You can't take your riches and sense of security with you when you leave your present life. It all get's left behind, including the things you did to achieve such wealth. Where you kind? Where you generous? Where you hoarding what you have to prove your worth?
All those things come into play. When you believe you will have enough, truly believe in your heart of hearts, you will. When you hang your souls worth on it all, you become a slave to earthly recognition. You can create a legacy for your children by working through their hearts, and teaching them, kindness, unconditional love, and the Universal Laws . It's ok to attain wealth and substance, as long as your recognize it for what it is. Once you hang your soul's validity on such things it violates the purpose of this life. We never live just to obtain stuff, we live to obtain knowledge. Food for the ever wanting and expanding soul.
You are always perfect and deserve the best, but don't get caught up so much that you can only relate through earthly things. Be in the world, not of the world. You will meet souls along the way and you have a choice to nurture those relationships or nurture you false sense of self. If you are living a good and giving life, those earthly things will come. They will come, because you are grateful for everything in your life, even the difficult things teaching you something new. Keep your mind straight and your heart loving.
I dislocated my elbow, so I won't be typing much for a while. Ta Ta for now.
